Is she another “other woman”?

Yesterday when I wrote “his version of the story from beginning to end”, I thought that the story got pretty complicated for anyone to follow once “A” started becoming part of it. It’s one thing having to deal with the “other woman” and quite another to have another women mixed up in the mess as well. In reality the run down on “A” is worse than that of “V” (the actual woman he had the affair with). Prior to and after H affair came to light, “A” has been involved in our lives adding fuel to the fire. H has never wanted to let her go at any cost and still today, he has not done so. I have never known a man to have such a strong bond with a woman friend like this, all the while putting his wife aside, as though she didn’t matter much at all.

Over the last nine months, “A” has been part of almost ever trigger I have had, even when it came to the other woman; Funny how she has always been involved. This in itself has always lead me to believe H had something going with her as well.

Looking back, I think that one of the most obvious times was after I found out about the affair my H had. The first words out of his mouth, besides “yes I did”, was “I cannot believe how I used “A” to get rid of that bitch!” You would think the first thing he would have done was apologized to me, but that was not the case. He should have felt like his world was over as he knew it, especially since, he did not even know at the time, if he would lose his family as a result. But all he could think of was how he used “A”. You can imagine how that made me feel.

Still today, I feel much lower than “A” in the eyes of my H. He has caused me to feel this way by choosing her over me on several occasions.

Another time, which was even more obvious, was after “A” found out about the affair H had with “V”. She took the news worse than I did, which told me there had to be more there between the two of them. “A” first sent H a private message to tell him she knew about the affair. H then tells “A” to meet him in chat as she is very upset. When I asked H what was discussed, he told me she was upset for him using her and her not knowing the real reason why. She told him she wanted nothing more to do with him and to stay away from her. Then, she tried exposing H affair on a forum by attacking the other woman.

The following day, she contacts H meeting him back in chat and then started a personal attack on H on the forum. To make matters worse, H knowing he is not supposed to delete anything, deletes the private message and his chat log so I don’t find out what was actually discussed. When I asked H, he told me he was cleaning out his private message in box that day, so her private message was deleted. However, there were other messages that were not deleted that day and were much older than hers. As far as his chat log, he claimed he didn’t have her on his chat list and didn’t have his chat log on save mode.

Besides the two obvious times above, there is so much more.

“A” and H had been members of the same forum for years but they only started communicating more on the forum summer of last year. It all started when H had a chat with “A” and another member. They were goofing off and H uploaded the chat session on the forum for the other members to read. It was at that point when “A” started to feel more comfortable with H and they became close. So close in the fact, that around September they were posting on the forum together and if I didn’t know better, I would have thought they were a couple. It wasn’t flirtation, but rather a sense of ownership they presented towards one another. When I confronted H about it, he told me that all the women act that way towards him. As far as I could see, there were no other women acting as though H was theirs like she was.

Then came October…This was birthday month for me and every year H gets me a cake to celebrate. This time he didn’t. His excuse was that he was so busy at work that he never left the building at all that day. A couple of weeks later, I find a postal receipt showing that he mailed “A” a CD and USB stick on my birthday, therefore he did leave the building that day. I was very upset to say that least and confronted only for H to not have an answer as to why he lied. Then there were the regular text messages and phone calls made between the two of them all hours of the day and night, not to mention forum posts and private messages.

I guess the biggest or most obvious time happened in November when H decided to attend a forum meeting. For the first time since we’ve been together, H was very firm on saying I could not attend the meeting with him. He first used the excuse that only members could attend. That is when I remind him that I was also a member, although not an active one. He then said that spouses were not invited. At this point, I knew that was not true and he was just determined to go alone. I have to admit, I was rather shocked at this new found attitude of his. It felt as though he wanted to get away very badly. I gave in and we both agreed that he would go for the day but had to return that evening. There would be no spending the night.

He called me when he arrived and told me he would call me again around 11 PM to let me know when he would get on the road to head home (it is a three and a half hour drive one way). I began feeling quite suspicious about the entire situation and decided to call him around 7 PM just to see how the meeting was going. He never answered his cell and I continued calling every 15 minutes or so and still no answer. I quit calling after a while since he did tell me he would be calling at 11 PM. Well 11 came and went and he never called me. I began to get worried as this was totally out of his character. In the past, he would always call me when he said he was going to.

He finally called me at 12:30 AM. I asked him if he had seen all the missed calls on his cell phone, as one usually does when they pick up their phone to make a call. He said he didn’t see any. Instead of him asking me if something was wrong here at home, he went right into telling me that he and his friends were on their way to a bar for some drinks. He went on to say that he got a hotel and would be staying the night. When I tried to remind him that we agreed he would return home and not stay the night, he said he had already had too much to drink and couldn’t drive home. He then started yelling at me and said “I got a hotel room and whether you like it or not, I’m staying!” He then hung up on me. I was in shock and couldn’t sleep that night wondering if H was possibly doing something he shouldn’t.

H never called me the entire next day. I figured I would leave him alone and I didn’t call him either. Around 7 PM, I decided to call him to find out if everything was okay. When he answered, he acted as though nothing had happened the previous day. He was already on his way home. Once he got home, a few words were exchanged but I kept my cool. H slept on the couch that night.

The following day, while going through the pictures that were uploaded on the forum of the meeting, we run across a picture of H and “A” with her arms around him. They looked like couple. I blew a gasket! I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. To make matters worse, H claimed he didn’t even remember taking the picture and just kept looking at it as though he were trying to figure out when it was taken. I then told H to contact the picture person of the forum immediately to have it removed. Once he did that, the picture was removed after only a few minutes. I went into detailed with H on how his behavior was unacceptable and how the picture was very disrespectful to me as his wife, since everyone on the forum knows he is married. I asked him if anything had gone on that weekend with “A” and he said no.

A couple of days after the pictures showed up on the forum, a call comes through on H cell phone after 10 PM. From the way he was talking on the phone, I figured H was just talking to one of his friends, although they never call him that late. He then got up and walked over to give me the phone saying it was for me. I looked up at him and asked who it was. That is when he said it was “A”. I was very upset at that point but surprisingly I remained calm. I told him I didn’t know her and had nothing to say to her. I then got up and he started following me around telling me to take the phone and speak to her. He was very persistent while telling me not to make him look bad and to just speak with her. I told him I was not going to talk to someone I did not even know. That continued for a while until I went outside.

A few minutes later, he came to me very upset saying that I should have spoken to her because she was only trying to apologize for the picture. A few minutes later, a text message comes over on H cell phone addressed to me. I told H I didn’t want to hear what she had to say, but he read it to me anyway. In the message, she gave her real name and said she just met my husband that weekend for the first time and there was nothing going on between the two of them. She goes on to say that H had helped her with a problem she had with co-worker and that was all. She apologized but then said she did nothing wrong.

Two days later, I read a private message that “A” sent to H. This is what it said: Good morning my love. When you have time contact me. I love you and always will (even when you are old). When I confronted H about this, he was speechless and turned beet red as though he were busted. He was very cold in the way he acted and lead me to believe he actually had something going on with “A”.

Things start dying down in December or at least I think. This was a bad month for me. I had just found out about H affair the end of November and I wasn’t in my right start of mind. However, I do remember one phone call H made to “A” regarding his car insurance as she works for an insurance company. In the end, he never did switch insurances. H is asked to stay away from “A” and break off all communication with her and he agrees.

When January rolls around, H is up late like always on the forum but so is “A”. They post back and forth on threads just like in the past. I get upset and confront H reminding him of “no contact” with “A”. The only thing he can think of to say is “she started it”. Then he tells me he can go back and delete all his posts that are on the same threads as hers. At that point, I tell him to just stop posting on the same threads she is. I remind him of “no contact” with “A”. Then “A” finds out about the affair that H had with “V”. This is noted above. You can read the full story by clicking on that link.

During February, “A” takes a break from the forum. At first I thought she was just upset at H but later I found out that she no longer had Internet access at work and didn’t have a computer at home. This is what H told me, so right there I knew he had some form of contact with her.

Once March rolled around, both H and “A” start back up with late night postings on the forum. While checking out the threads, it looked like H was going behind “A” and posting after her. I confront H again and tell him that I thought she wanted nothing to do with him because she was so mad at him. Once again, he doesn’t know what to say and just says he can delete the posts he has made. I tell him not to because it will look as though she is talking to herself on the threads and people who read will not know what is going on. I go over with H how he agreed that he would no longer have contact with her and explain that this was a form of contact. Then he tries to give me the excuse that she was the one who was posting after him.

In April, she calls him on his cell at 10 in the evening to tell him about what has been posted on the blog of that one person who writes about a few members of the forum H moderators. He talks to her as if all is okay and does so while I’m standing right there. When he gets off the phone and I ask who it was, he tells me it was “A”. I was very upset for him breaking contact yet again. I had a long conversation with him about “A” while being quite upset and he doesn’t say anything only, “she called me”.

Now fast forward to this morning. You can imagine how upset I was when I found out that H had not only requested “A” as a friend on face book and added her, but he also bought her. For those of you who don’t know what that means, you can actually buy your friends on face book with the amount of money you obtain from filling out questionnaires, playing games, etc. He had purchased a couple of other friends in the past but as soon as “A” gave approval for her to be added to his list of friends, he bought her immediately.

I told H that he needs to take her off his friends list on face book and have no more contact with her. He said he could not remove her because they have mutual friends and everyone will know. I tell him when there are three people in a marriage, it will not work. Is this his way of breaking off all contact with her? I think not!

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  1. In the effort to find a way to get rid of the OW in a way that would have been permanent, I came up with the idea that if she thought that I had another affair, she would back off.

    Not exactly my idea, but an idea of another female member, a trusted one, the co-owner of the forum.
    How things lead to that?

    This is how…

    A former forum member who’s account was blocked due to violations of Terms of Use & Conduct, started a blog, literally telling everybody off, exposing private information of theirs on her web space and most off all, allegedly started accusing people (members) of having affairs or simply exposing members that were couples.

    To a certain extent, that was true.

    In fact, during my almost 4 years of presence on that forum, 4 couples not only met face to face, but they ended up getting married!

    A general forum, parted with members wanting to kill some time, either from work or home, a place were both serious discussions were taking place and just shooting the breeze talking about everyday things. Indeed not everyone on the forum was in a relationship. Many single people, mingled with married couples, or couples in a serious relationship, all getting along and discussing. The forum has many sub categories. In two of them I was appointed as a moderator, Computers and the Venting Out section. And all for free since the moderator work is on a volunteer basis. I guess it was my personality that made me popular on that forum, to the point were I made friends all over the country, invited to visit them if I was in town, a true buddies type of hanging out on-line.

    Such was (is) the spirit of the forum, a fact that the deleted member (to whom from now and on I shall refer to as “The P”) that she did not like. She has a history on other forums where she was always causing trouble and her account was always deleted after a while, but was always coming back for more (thanks to the anonymity offered by the web). She started her web-space, targeting initially on 6 people.

    One of them was me, for the simple reason that I seemed to be on-line friends with certain members she disliked : A guy from another city, who is in similar business with mine (retail) and we always used to talk about our businesses, a female member who has the talent of skillful writing, an attorney who got in trouble 3 years ago, as a revenge from an ex boyfriend who was starting nicknames related to her on many sites (including The Forum) claiming she was dying of cancer, the 2 Forum owners and another female member referred to on this blog as “The A” with whom I seemed to have a certain chemistry on the postings on the forum, all in a humorous level.

    Allegedly I had an affair with “The Writer” (a rumor that was spread from “P”, a person that I had only chatted privately on MSN 3 or 4 times) and did not even know her real name nor I had ever met her.

    At first, I was seeing the whole thing as nothing more than a lifeless person’s effort to attract attention and I was making fun of it.Till the day that after a chat session with “the Writer” where she said that she was receiving weird and anonymous phone-calls at home originating from a mobile phone (in this country it is possible to identify the blocked number on your caller ID box) and that she was beginning to fear about her little boy’s safety.

    A few days later, “The P” makes an entry on her blog leaving hints that my daughter might get into trouble.
    My… OUR child, our precious 4 1/2 by now little girl. What kind of a sick person would make, even as a far fetched sick joke, such a reference to a small child? Within less than 24 hours I get sick with a panic attack : Very high blood pressure and very fast heartbeat ending up at my doctor’s office for the second time within 8 months with the same symptoms.

    To make matters worse, after the doctor ordered a full physical, my prostate gland was found to be slightly larger than what it should be, not that it was on a dangerous level or that something was wrong with it, it was something to be alert about, something to look up to into the future.

    All these was taking place around August of 2007, during the same period when Sandy was in bed for around 10 days due to a hormonal imbalance.

    While discussing “The P” situation with “E”, the forum female co-owner, she suggested we find out if “P” actually had info about anyone, so she suggested if it was alright with me and my wife, that we pretend on the forum that something… mischievous is happening between the two of us.

    Allegedly, both of us were supposed to attend a members meeting on another city in September and with the co-owners consent and knowledge, he would make remarks and ask around if anyone had heard of me and “E” that evening.
    While I was at home relaxing that Saturday and “E” was enjoying the company of her boyfriend the same time, “The P” read the owner’s posts on the forum the day after who was asking where on earth we were the previous night.

    “P” immediately caught up and uploaded a post on her web space claiming that me and “E” were spotted entering a hotel together in the same city. At that point we all knew that she was making things up and decided to play along with her game of on-line guerrilla war.

    On top of this, “V” bit the bait and although initially she seemed to feel annoyed by me not appearing on the meeting, she started backing off. The massive amounts on messages slowed down, emails were not coming in as often as before and chat requests were numbered.

    It was a point where I thought that I had managed to get two birds with one stone.

    Foolish me!

    “V” was taking a break. So was “P”.

    Within less than a week or so, I was accused from both “P” and “V” of having another affair with “E2”, another female member to whom I was providing computer support on the forum.

    “V” backed off a little bit more for a while. I suppose that I just got addicted to this kind of behavior and in my mind thoughts of creating something even bigger than those 2 incidents, would make “V” back off completely.

    A third chance appeared with another female member, whom with we were in agreement that we would pretend we had something going on, to make “P” believe that. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that “V” would back off completely after this.

    To my misfortune, “P” did not buy it this time, nor did “V”. And it all came down to “A”. With whom, although both having been members for 3 years on the forum, we were never before close as on-line friends, I had never before met her face to face, or talked to her on the phone. Just public forum posts and the seasonal greetings private forum messages (…and anything else that had to do with forum operation issues, due to my status there).

    The opportunity was given after an article I wrote and was uploaded on the forum, where it started looking, through her replies that something might be there. Indeed there was an interaction, between two people that seem to agree on opinions and make funny remarks on each other’s posts, just like as if we were in a group of people out there, on a restaurant, a cafeteria, just like everyday life.

    “V” started getting really angry at me, as she seemed to get very upset. And then I started thinking that this was my biggest chance. Indeed things escalated, to the point where a close forum friend of “V”, “S” started making phone calls to chit chat with “A”, asking her questions about her personal life.

    “V” started becoming very aggressive on the forum with “A”, to the point where “A” started wondering what had she done to deserve that. And she asked me directly at one point what was behind there. All I said was that “V” was probably another secret admirer who seemed to be getting angry every time I was cross posting with another member on the forum.

    Another opportunity was given on a scheduled forum members meeting in early November 2007, in a city 3 hours from home.

    In the mean time, things with “V” were escalated to the point where I was losing my sleep, I was receiving emails with very strong words in them, judgmental, frustrating, getting stressed and the same time there was massive stress at work and lots of anxiety at home due to a failed fertility treatment Sandy had went through, a hormonal imbalance that occurred again and the tension that was between me and Sandy due to me trying to hide my traces, keep the business going and dealing with my own minor but persistent health issues.

    “S” was continually pressing “A” to reveal personal life info of hers to him, something that she always refused to do so (as I was told). To the point where… although “S” is from the same city where the meeting was scheduled he could not attend it. So he sent a “spy”, a fellow moderator (female), a close friend of his and a close friend of “V” as well, all three known as having their own little “circle of trust” on the forum…

    I took off on that Saturday morning, agreeing to meet some other members earlier than the predesignated dinner time, for a coffee and shooting the breeze before attending dinner.

    I met with “A” on a cafe, together with another 4 or 5 people, we had coffee and then continued for a early beer, just to kill some time. It was then when “S” called “A” on her mobile, asking her to be very careful that night, who she talks to, who she sits next, to watch her every move, her behavior, her attitude. It was then that she took it personally and we decided to go all along with the original plan that I dragged her into without her actually knowing what was behind :

    The plan was to pretend we were close, such as : sit next to each other on the long line of tables reserved for the party and act casual but not too casual.

    Indeed, even “E”, the forum co-owner started having doubts if me and “A” actually had something on or were just hangout friends that had just met for the first time. “F”, my real life friend, who attended the meeting was thinking the same. “K”, the fellow moderator did not leave her eye sight from us all evening long, following every move I and “A” did.

    And although both me and “A” was acting ours selves and mingling with the crowd, “A” being in the same place with people she already knew (some were actual friends of hers as they all came from the same city), due to the fact of the previous interaction of ours on the forum, the fact that we sat next to each other and due to an unlucky incident where some dip fell on my jeans and “A” offered to clean it off (and someone even caught it on a picture that was later uploaded on the forum) made a few people think otherwise.

    “K”, the spy, was not only staring at me all evening long but all the time texting messages. And I received (if memory serves) 3 or 4 messages that evening from “V”, telling me various… rather non polite words about my behavior that evening.

    I was very… very angry all evening but I knew deeply that I had managed to succeed on what I was set out to do : Finally get rid of “V”. And then I knew that at some point I would have to give explanations to “A” about the whole situation.

    It was a crowded area, I did not hear my cell phone ringing all afternoon, I remember carrying it in the inside pocket of my jacket and leaving it there. It was not until after midnight when we all decided to continue the evening on a quiet bar for a drink that I grabbed my phone, saw Sandy’s multiple unanswered calls and called Sandy back.

    I admit that earlier I had drunk maybe a little too much for my standards (I am a social drinker) and I was rather cruel to Sandy on the phone. I was in no position to drive back home for 3+ hours and on top, earlier that evening, “M” who is a very close friend of “A” and was a meeting attendee, had secured a room for me on the same hotel she and “A” were sharing a room for the evening.

    So… I had a little too much to drink, it was not advisable to drive back home, I had a room waiting for me and a dirty secret to settle with “V” and her spies, “K” and “S”.

    On top, the alcohol made me a little bit more brave than usual and I told Sandy on the phone “I got a room and I am staying either you like it or not!”

    I quickly regretted what I had said but it was too late.

    “A” overheard the conversation I had with Sandy on the phone and asked me what had happened. I told her that Sandy asked me to go home, she insisted we go find a cafe, get loaded with black coffee and me drive back ASAP.

    I remember telling her that I will face the outcome when I would go home the next day and that I did not want to talk further about it.

    “K” was literally behind me all the time. “SM’ another member, acting like a typical Japanese person (although she is not!) was shooting pictures of everyone at the most funny way left and right. I do not remember shooting a picture with “A” being all over me, but “SM” did shoot one (and 2 days later she uploaded it on the forum).

    The rest of the evening passed smoothly with “K” still being on my way on the quiet little bar we went, me trying to avoid her as much as possible, me hanging out mostly with the forum owner and when “A” started talking to him about the “V” user not referring to her directly though, all three of us got into a heavy conversation that lasted for quite some time.

    The owner said that if things came to worse and her attitude continued he would have to remove her account, not just block it.

    All though “K” had to show at work at 8AM she hanged out at the bar until 4AM (or around there) when we all decided to break it off and go to sleep. We all split our separate ways, divided in taxis and each went to sleep. Before that, me, “A” and “M” agreed the noon after to go at the forum owner’s home for a visit and meet the kids and the wife (I had already met his family prior to, but since “A” and “M had not and we all shared the same hotel, it would be convenient to give them a ride there). I do recall receiving another text message around 5AM from V, although I do not remember what was it saying. I quickly erased it.

    Billions of thoughts were going through my mind. From one hand, I was certain that my goal was successful (“V” thinking I had strayed again) but at the cost of Sandy’s mental status.

    I had a wife and a kid back at home, that by not returning the same evening as I had originally promised them I broke a sacred promise from a father to his child about taking her out in the city for a walk and some candy.

    Believe it or not, I started feeling depressed and I did not get much sleep at all.

    A person will do insane things to keep a secret. A very dirty secret.

    In my effort to hide things from every one, I hurt you Sandy in a non repairable way. I got other people involved without their consent and I knew, that alone, would come back to me later, making or rather complicating things a lot more.

    And so it happened later…

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