Yesterday when I wrote “his version of the story from beginning to end”, I thought that the story got pretty complicated for anyone to follow once “A” started becoming part of it. It’s one thing having to deal with the “other woman” and quite another to have another women mixed up in the mess as well. In reality the run down on “A” is worse than that of “V” (the actual woman he had the affair with). Prior to and after H affair came to light, “A” has been involved in our lives adding fuel to the fire. H has never wanted to let her go at any cost and still today, he has not done so. I have never known a man to have such a strong bond with a woman friend like this, all the while putting his wife aside, as though she didn’t matter much at all.
Over the last nine months, “A” has been part of almost ever trigger I have had, even when it came to the other woman; Funny how she has always been involved. This in itself has always lead me to believe H had something going with her as well.
Looking back, I think that one of the most obvious times was after I found out about the affair my H had. The first words out of his mouth, besides “yes I did”, was “I cannot believe how I used “A” to get rid of that bitch!” You would think the first thing he would have done was apologized to me, but that was not the case. He should have felt like his world was over as he knew it, especially since, he did not even know at the time, if he would lose his family as a result. But all he could think of was how he used “A”. You can imagine how that made me feel.
Still today, I feel much lower than “A” in the eyes of my H. He has caused me to feel this way by choosing her over me on several occasions.
Another time, which was even more obvious, was after “A” found out about the affair H had with “V”. She took the news worse than I did, which told me there had to be more there between the two of them. “A” first sent H a private message to tell him she knew about the affair. H then tells “A” to meet him in chat as she is very upset. When I asked H what was discussed, he told me she was upset for him using her and her not knowing the real reason why. She told him she wanted nothing more to do with him and to stay away from her. Then, she tried exposing H affair on a forum by attacking the other woman.
The following day, she contacts H meeting him back in chat and then started a personal attack on H on the forum. To make matters worse, H knowing he is not supposed to delete anything, deletes the private message and his chat log so I don’t find out what was actually discussed. When I asked H, he told me he was cleaning out his private message in box that day, so her private message was deleted. However, there were other messages that were not deleted that day and were much older than hers. As far as his chat log, he claimed he didn’t have her on his chat list and didn’t have his chat log on save mode.
Besides the two obvious times above, there is so much more.
“A” and H had been members of the same forum for years but they only started communicating more on the forum summer of last year. It all started when H had a chat with “A” and another member. They were goofing off and H uploaded the chat session on the forum for the other members to read. It was at that point when “A” started to feel more comfortable with H and they became close. So close in the fact, that around September they were posting on the forum together and if I didn’t know better, I would have thought they were a couple. It wasn’t flirtation, but rather a sense of ownership they presented towards one another. When I confronted H about it, he told me that all the women act that way towards him. As far as I could see, there were no other women acting as though H was theirs like she was.
Then came October…This was birthday month for me and every year H gets me a cake to celebrate. This time he didn’t. His excuse was that he was so busy at work that he never left the building at all that day. A couple of weeks later, I find a postal receipt showing that he mailed “A” a CD and USB stick on my birthday, therefore he did leave the building that day. I was very upset to say that least and confronted only for H to not have an answer as to why he lied. Then there were the regular text messages and phone calls made between the two of them all hours of the day and night, not to mention forum posts and private messages.
I guess the biggest or most obvious time happened in November when H decided to attend a forum meeting. For the first time since we’ve been together, H was very firm on saying I could not attend the meeting with him. He first used the excuse that only members could attend. That is when I remind him that I was also a member, although not an active one. He then said that spouses were not invited. At this point, I knew that was not true and he was just determined to go alone. I have to admit, I was rather shocked at this new found attitude of his. It felt as though he wanted to get away very badly. I gave in and we both agreed that he would go for the day but had to return that evening. There would be no spending the night.
He called me when he arrived and told me he would call me again around 11 PM to let me know when he would get on the road to head home (it is a three and a half hour drive one way). I began feeling quite suspicious about the entire situation and decided to call him around 7 PM just to see how the meeting was going. He never answered his cell and I continued calling every 15 minutes or so and still no answer. I quit calling after a while since he did tell me he would be calling at 11 PM. Well 11 came and went and he never called me. I began to get worried as this was totally out of his character. In the past, he would always call me when he said he was going to.
He finally called me at 12:30 AM. I asked him if he had seen all the missed calls on his cell phone, as one usually does when they pick up their phone to make a call. He said he didn’t see any. Instead of him asking me if something was wrong here at home, he went right into telling me that he and his friends were on their way to a bar for some drinks. He went on to say that he got a hotel and would be staying the night. When I tried to remind him that we agreed he would return home and not stay the night, he said he had already had too much to drink and couldn’t drive home. He then started yelling at me and said “I got a hotel room and whether you like it or not, I’m staying!” He then hung up on me. I was in shock and couldn’t sleep that night wondering if H was possibly doing something he shouldn’t.
H never called me the entire next day. I figured I would leave him alone and I didn’t call him either. Around 7 PM, I decided to call him to find out if everything was okay. When he answered, he acted as though nothing had happened the previous day. He was already on his way home. Once he got home, a few words were exchanged but I kept my cool. H slept on the couch that night.
The following day, while going through the pictures that were uploaded on the forum of the meeting, we run across a picture of H and “A” with her arms around him. They looked like couple. I blew a gasket! I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. To make matters worse, H claimed he didn’t even remember taking the picture and just kept looking at it as though he were trying to figure out when it was taken. I then told H to contact the picture person of the forum immediately to have it removed. Once he did that, the picture was removed after only a few minutes. I went into detailed with H on how his behavior was unacceptable and how the picture was very disrespectful to me as his wife, since everyone on the forum knows he is married. I asked him if anything had gone on that weekend with “A” and he said no.
A couple of days after the pictures showed up on the forum, a call comes through on H cell phone after 10 PM. From the way he was talking on the phone, I figured H was just talking to one of his friends, although they never call him that late. He then got up and walked over to give me the phone saying it was for me. I looked up at him and asked who it was. That is when he said it was “A”. I was very upset at that point but surprisingly I remained calm. I told him I didn’t know her and had nothing to say to her. I then got up and he started following me around telling me to take the phone and speak to her. He was very persistent while telling me not to make him look bad and to just speak with her. I told him I was not going to talk to someone I did not even know. That continued for a while until I went outside.
A few minutes later, he came to me very upset saying that I should have spoken to her because she was only trying to apologize for the picture. A few minutes later, a text message comes over on H cell phone addressed to me. I told H I didn’t want to hear what she had to say, but he read it to me anyway. In the message, she gave her real name and said she just met my husband that weekend for the first time and there was nothing going on between the two of them. She goes on to say that H had helped her with a problem she had with co-worker and that was all. She apologized but then said she did nothing wrong.
Two days later, I read a private message that “A” sent to H. This is what it said: Good morning my love. When you have time contact me. I love you and always will (even when you are old). When I confronted H about this, he was speechless and turned beet red as though he were busted. He was very cold in the way he acted and lead me to believe he actually had something going on with “A”.
Things start dying down in December or at least I think. This was a bad month for me. I had just found out about H affair the end of November and I wasn’t in my right start of mind. However, I do remember one phone call H made to “A” regarding his car insurance as she works for an insurance company. In the end, he never did switch insurances. H is asked to stay away from “A” and break off all communication with her and he agrees.
When January rolls around, H is up late like always on the forum but so is “A”. They post back and forth on threads just like in the past. I get upset and confront H reminding him of “no contact” with “A”. The only thing he can think of to say is “she started it”. Then he tells me he can go back and delete all his posts that are on the same threads as hers. At that point, I tell him to just stop posting on the same threads she is. I remind him of “no contact” with “A”. Then “A” finds out about the affair that H had with “V”. This is noted above. You can read the full story by clicking on that link.
During February, “A” takes a break from the forum. At first I thought she was just upset at H but later I found out that she no longer had Internet access at work and didn’t have a computer at home. This is what H told me, so right there I knew he had some form of contact with her.
Once March rolled around, both H and “A” start back up with late night postings on the forum. While checking out the threads, it looked like H was going behind “A” and posting after her. I confront H again and tell him that I thought she wanted nothing to do with him because she was so mad at him. Once again, he doesn’t know what to say and just says he can delete the posts he has made. I tell him not to because it will look as though she is talking to herself on the threads and people who read will not know what is going on. I go over with H how he agreed that he would no longer have contact with her and explain that this was a form of contact. Then he tries to give me the excuse that she was the one who was posting after him.
In April, she calls him on his cell at 10 in the evening to tell him about what has been posted on the blog of that one person who writes about a few members of the forum H moderators. He talks to her as if all is okay and does so while I’m standing right there. When he gets off the phone and I ask who it was, he tells me it was “A”. I was very upset for him breaking contact yet again. I had a long conversation with him about “A” while being quite upset and he doesn’t say anything only, “she called me”.
Now fast forward to this morning. You can imagine how upset I was when I found out that H had not only requested “A” as a friend on face book and added her, but he also bought her. For those of you who don’t know what that means, you can actually buy your friends on face book with the amount of money you obtain from filling out questionnaires, playing games, etc. He had purchased a couple of other friends in the past but as soon as “A” gave approval for her to be added to his list of friends, he bought her immediately.
I told H that he needs to take her off his friends list on face book and have no more contact with her. He said he could not remove her because they have mutual friends and everyone will know. I tell him when there are three people in a marriage, it will not work. Is this his way of breaking off all contact with her? I think not!