My husband and I have not been going out for the last two months because I had been rather sick. So today, we went out for a long lunch down by the lake. Prior to going out, I had emailed an article for him to read. I thought this would help him understand what needs to be done in order to really work on this marriage. We had agreed to discuss the article over lunch or later today.
Once we arrived to the restaurant, neither of us felt like discussing the article since the atmosphere was so relaxing. We just wanted to enjoy some quiet time together, so we had a laid back conversation instead. The topic of the conversation he started was about friends. We talked for a while about a couple of his on line friends and when I found an opening in the conversation, I jumped right in..
“Talking about friends, who is your new friend you’ve added on your face book list?” I actually already knew it was “A”. This morning, I had noticed that he had added her to his friends list but I was not planning on telling him at all. I figured I would just watch to see if anything developed. But due to the topic of conversation, it just came out.
He smiled and said, “You know who it is.”
I grew very upset at this point because he sent “A” an invite to be friends, it was not the other way around. In the past, he would always say it was her who initiated communication with him.
I said, “You promised me that you would break off all contact with her and this shows me that you don’t care about how I feel or about this marriage.”
He then gave me an I-am-busted look, but he didn’t look like he felt bad at all.
At that point, I lost my appetite and did not eat much as a result. We were rather quiet the rest of the time we were there and only spoke very little to calm down the atmosphere. I was so upset and he felt very uncomfortable. I was ready to explode but held back. I had to remember that I needed to remain calm for the long conversation ahead.
When we were ready to leave, he asked me if I wanted to take a long walk. He said it was best to stay away from home for as long as possible. He believed that things would accelerate and taking a long walk would calm me down. We didn’t talk about anything on that long walk home. Once we arrived, I asked him if he wanted to talk. I was calm by this point. The walk had done me good.
He told me he didn’t feel like talking but he knew I have a lot of questions for him. So that was my Q to begin.
Now that I had his attention, I decided to not bring up the article I had sent him earlier today. Instead I told him that I wanted to know the entire relationship he had with the other woman from first meeting her on line and how their relationship developed, to what took place after the fact. He pretty much ran it all down for me and here is what he said. Keep in mind that I had to ask questions while he was telling me the story because the answers were not detailed enough.
To help you keep track of the people in the story here is a little info:
H – is my husband
V – is the other woman
A – is the woman friend who helped get rid of V and the one who H lead me to believe he was having an affair with for three long weeks. She has been tangled up in this mess way before I even found out about the affair
It all began when “V” became a member of the forum that he moderates. She entered a contest he put on with the winners receiving a free Linux CD. The first few people who sent him a private message were the winners. “V” won one and he mailed it to her. At first, she didn’t want to give him her mailing address, so she gave him an address of who she claimed was a relative. He later found out it was her husband’s name and their address.
The first contact “V” had with H was a “Thank you” email for the CD that he had sent her. That is when it leads to chat. She is a computer teacher and they discussed putting Linux on the computers in the computer lab. His chat program was always open and she would always start up chats with him. He never did tell me how often they chatted though. Most of the chatting was done on her part. She would freely tell him about her life and family, how she wasn’t happy in her marriage and was only with her husband (even though he was 15 years older) for financial security. She told him how many lovers she had been with and then asked him how many lovers he had been with. He told her he had been married twice, and for her to do the math in between the two marriages. She asked him how I was in bed but he never told her. He did tell her how his first wife was in bed though.
If someone would have been speaking to me this freely, especially mentioning how unhappy they were in their marriage, I would know at that point what this person was looking for. I don’t buy the fact that he never told her about me. I doubt he would even remember how his first wife was in bed since that was over a decade ago. I’m sure he told the other woman about me and used his first wife as a cover up. If I know anything about my husband, this I know. ??
The chats lead to “V” wanting to meet H for coffee. He told her he never traveled to her city (300 miles one way) on business. That is when he asked if she only wanted to meet for coffee since she was acting like she wanted more. She told him she would meet him in his hotel room if he ever went to her city. He asked her if she was making a pass at him and went on to tell her how venerable he was due to the fact that I had been out of the country so long.
If he shared this much with her, then she knew the cat was in the bag and it would only be a matter of time before he would meet with her. This told me he gave her way too much information.
As time went on, “V” continued offering herself to him and making all kinds of promises. H finally gave in. He went to see “V” the first time because he felt his world was closing in on him and he needed an escape. An escape from his failing business and trying to be there for me to discuss my mother’s health issues. They discussed their first get together one day prior to and it was clear that it would only be for sex. His reason was that I was out of the country and her reason was that she wasn’t getting any at home. On his way back from that first meeting he was thinking, “What have I done”. Once he got home, he found quite a few private messages in his in box (on the forum) from “V”. She was telling him about the wonderful time she had and that he was a good lover. At that point, he knew she had fallen for him.
Just because she continued offering herself to him, doesn’t mean he had to accept the offer. It took me a while to get the answer as to what he was thinking after that first meeting. He first told he was enjoying the long ride home, then he said he was thinking about having to return to work the next day, then he said the above. I told him I could understand how he felt at the time but even so, I would have done things differently. He didn’t want to open up to me at all. I told him to lay it all out on the table but that never happened either. He knew from the start that she had fallen for him. If there was a time to end it, it would have been at this point.
After their first meeting, H tried keeping his distance from “V” but she kept on sending him messages and calling him. She kept on offering herself to him. One day while traveling out of the city on business, he called “V” to tell her he was on his way. His reason for seeing her the second time was the thrill of the chase. After this second time, he told her I was coming home as he already knew my return date. “V” left him alone 24 hours before my return but started up contact two days later. She continued telling him how wonderful their time was together and wanted to know when he would return to see her again. He ignored her and that is when he reminded me of an email I read from her, which stated she hadn’t heard from him in three weeks.
Notice how in his story he continues saying that she was offering herself to him, she was contacting him and basically saying she wouldn’t leave him alone. I told him he should have just re-directed her emails to trash, not opened her private messages, changed his cell number and not answered his business phone if her number showed up on the caller ID. Of course, this is only for someone who no longer wanted contact with a certain person, but that did not apply in his case.
Three weeks later, communication started back up on his part. At one point, H thought “V” was going to expose him on the forum by the way she was talking in private messages and emails and he didn’t know what to do. She had threatened him once about telling me but he returned that threat by saying he would tell her husband. Then trying to be nice, he sent her a gift. It was a documentary of a favorite artist of hers he had downloaded some time before. Out of guilt he also sent her husband a bottle of special alcohol that is only made in this part of the country.
When I asked why he started communication back up with “V”, he didn’t have an answer for me. He just continued putting all the blame on her saying she kept on bothering him with emails, phone calls and private messages. Common sense tells you that sending gifts to a person you are trying to get rid of, leads them on more. When I asked him why he sent the gifts, he said he didn’t know what to do in this type of situation and it was due to lack of experience. He tired to ignore, be mean and then be nice but for him nothing worked. The only reason I knew about the gifts he sent her was due to an email I had read from him to her talking about other members on the forum. Apparently, there have been quite a few members that have gotten together and he was telling her they were the last ones. He goes on to say he would be sending her a gift.
As time went on, “V” contacted H with information regarding a person that the forum members were trying to gather information on. This person had started a blog about a few members on the forum and “V” claimed she knew who this person was. “V” would contact H with a little information regularly and on the bottom of her emails and private messages, she would bring up the relationship they had and how things could have been. Later he realized she didn’t even know who the person was and then he confronted her about it. That is when she got very upset and things started getting ugly.
She was not the only one who had information about this particular person they were searching for. He should have known by the way she was adding information about their relationship on the bottom on her emails and private messages that this was far from over. Apparently, their communication never stopped prior to her contacting him with this information.
Around September, “V” started bothering “A” on the forum by sending her private messages accusing her of sleeping with H. “V” had noticed how well H and “A” were getting along by the threads they posted on and this bothered her a great deal. “V” also started sending private messages to H accusing him of sleeping with “A”. He told her he had not, and had never even met her before. She didn’t buy it and continued on and on about it. “A” then contacted H to tell him about the accusations that “V” was making and wanted to know what her problem was. H told “A” that “V” just probably had a secret crush on him.
I tried to clarify what was going on back in September by reading through the threads on the forum. It sure did look like H and “A” were a couple by the way they interacted on the threads on the forum. No wonder “V” didn’t buy it. I know I sure didn’t. When I asked H how him and “A” became friends, he said it was due to a chat he had with her and another member where they were playing around. He uploaded the chat on a thread on the forum and everyone got a good laugh out it. “A” then became comfortable with him and they started interacting more on the forum. He said that lead to “A” visiting his blog, which lead to the forum meeting in November where they met face to face for the first time.
V” kept on and on accusing H of sleeping with “A”. By this point, H had no idea how he was going to get rid of “V”. In early November, H learned of a forum meeting that would take place in another city where most of the members reside and he decided to attend. He knew that “V” would not be there but “A” would. H and “A” never agreed to be a couple while at the meeting. They had only planned to act over friendly towards one another because they knew that another member would tell “V” if something was actually going on between the two of them. They ended up convincing just about everyone there and the topper was that a picture showed up on the forum after the meeting. The picture showed “A” hugging H. When “V” saw this she was furious and after telling him off, she finally gave up.
When I asked H why he decided to go to the forum meeting, he would not give me an answer. He then said this was the only way to get rid of “V”. I still don’t know how far they had to go to convince everyone that something was going on. H told me they never done anything. They just acted friendly towards one another. I don’t buy it. A picture is worth a thousand words and the picture they took together really looked like they were a couple. The first time that H told me that “V” said goodbye to him was a couple of days after the forum meeting but this time, that changed to two weeks later.
In mid-December, “V” tries to start a chat up with H but he never responded; probably because I was sitting right there at the time.
In late January, “V” sends husband a private message on the forum saying that he is making it too obvious by not replying to her posts. He doesn’t reply to her. She gets upset and starts shit back up with “A”. “V” posts on a thread that “A” started on the forum telling “A” and her friends off for no apparent reason. Then “V” started sending private messages to “A” again. “A” then puts two and two together and realizes that H had an affair with “V”. She was very upset by this finding.
When I asked H why “A” took the new of the affair worse than me, he said she probably has a secret crush on him. Wait a minute, isn’t that what he told “A” about “V”? “A” was so hurt over the fact that she was used by H to get rid of “V” that she then started shit on the forum about “V” and H but didn’t reveal any names. That is when H had to contact the owner of the site to let him know what had happened. All the while, he was worried about having his moderator status taken away from him which never happened. “A”, told H that she no longer wanted anything to do with him, not to contact him and to leave her alone. Well this didn’t last for long.
In March, “V” sent H an email basically telling him off and how she felt used. Then she kept asking why. She claimed that she had told her husband about the affair they had and he had forgiven her. H never replied to her.
In April, “V” sent H a chat Authorization request which he denied.
We haven’t heard from “V” since April but I know that this is far from over. She has taken time off the forum since the end of January because she thought that other members had found out about the affair she had with H. However, as of this month, she has returned back to the forum. It is now confirmed that her husband does not know about the affair she had. If he did, he would never allow her to participate in the forum as he not only checks in on it regularly, but he also knows who H is. So I’m just waiting around for her next attempt to contact H and see if he tells me. One more contact of any kind and I’m going straight to her husband. I’ve had enough!