I have been studying my husband’s behavior since I found out about the affair he had. As time has went by, I have become a little confused as to why he has not been able to express his feelings about us, our marriage or anything to do with our relationship. It wasn’t until I found out about his affair that his attitude about anything of a serious nature was very passive and not addressed.
At first, I thought it was the fog he was in. After all, it is known that it does take time for the fog to lift. After he told me his mind had cleared two months after that devastating day, I thought he would return to his normal self. However, he continued to be distant and without emotion of any kind.
When I read of the term “Emotionally Unavailable”, I decided to go on line and do some research on it to see what the definition was and if this may possibly apply to my husband’s behavior. In my research, this is what I found:
Emotionally Unavailable is a pseudo-psychological term often used to refer to a sexual partner who doesn’t want to commit to a relationship. The term is also used to refer to a symptom of Reactive Attachment Disorder in which a person with the disorder seems withdrawn from emotion and emotional attachment, usually to parents or other family members.
An emotionally unavailable relationship occurs whenever one partner is unable to reach out and make a heart connection with another person, while the other partner feels it is somehow his/her fault and thus bears the responsibility to fix it by being perfect.
I also read where it is more about control than love for the emotionally unavailable person. For them, emotions seem unsafe, while control is appealing. They will not open up to you about their emotions or how they feel about something. And, they generally don’t want to sit and listen to how you feel either.
Basically, an emotionally unavailable person is someone who is not really committed. Being married to someone who will not commit themselves fully to the marriage, can be like living with a stranger. When this continues year after year, the relationship shrivels and eventually dies. A marriage is like a delicate flower needing constant attention and nutrients. Without those nutrients, we can exist, but not thrive. Also a marriage without emotional intimacy is no marriage at all.
After learning all about the emotionally unavailable and applying it to my husband’s behavior, I cannot help but wonder if this is now who he is. Then I question, how could this have happened as it seems to be something that a person has all his life, and not something that just happens to someone years down the road. Or does it?
Another term I found, which was more accurate when it comes to my husband’s behavior is the “emotionally closed”. Basically, they don’t like talking about anything regarding their feelings or emotions, and they don’t want to listen to how you feel either. They’d rather talk about the weather, politics, sports, or anything that’s not of a personal, intimate nature. They also tend to shut you out a lot, ignore your feelings and rarely show any emotions themselves. Being Emotionally Closed vs. Emotionally Unavailable is rather close, but they are different.
At this point, I really don’t know if my husband is “Emotionally Closed”, or just still in the fog. If his behavior continues for a long period of time, I will know it is not the fog, but rather the person he has now become.