I sure wish I had stayed in bed today. Either that, or stayed off line. I was so upset after checking out face book only to find that yesterday, H purchased “A” again. Is he really doing this on purpose to upset me knowing that I am checking on him continuously? What does he hope to gain by upsetting me so much? I have asked him repeatedly to have no contact with “A” and he continues to do so. I have begun to hear myself sound like a broken record, which is very annoying, even to me. Maybe it’s the screeching sound of that record that has impaired his hearing.
I emailed H to tell him how upset I was, but I did not tell him why. However, I did write on the bottom of the email that he is not doing a good job on regaining my trust. If I bring up anything these days, he says I’m blasting him. Comforting him with anything regarding “us” or how I feel, puts him on the spot, which causes him to come up with all types of off the wall answers or comments. Some are so ridiculous; I don’t even feel like dignifying what he says, with any type of response. For a man who has tried hiding something from me for months, he still has not mastered the art of thinking fast on his feet.
I believe I have finally come to a point where I’d rather just email then confront. Dealing with him has drained me completely and now I’m starting to back off. Since finding out about his affair, I have used all the strength within myself to point out what was wrong – every time he would pour more salt in the wound. The wound is healing slowly and the salt that is being added on it from time to time, no longer causes it to hurt as much as it once did.
When H arrived home from work, he was being a sweetheart. Normally, when this happens, its usually due to an email I have sent him explaining what is bothering me (its always related to something he has done on line that is inappropriate). This then causes him to go into a lets-avoid-the-problem mode. If we don’t acknowledge it, then there is no problem.
I couldn’t really hide the fact that I was upset, even though I tried very hard. I guess it was obvious enough for H to notice that something was wrong. I was just getting ready to walk out the door when he said, “I know that face. What is wrong?” I replied, “Nothing is wrong.” He then asked, “You’re going to blast me later, aren’t you? “ I told him, “No, don’t worry about it. Nothing is wrong.”
I figured that during the time I was gone, he would have read my email since he is always on line. However, when I returned, I knew by the way he was acting, that he had not read it. When he heard I had sent him an email, he wanted to know how bad it was and to rate it from one to ten. I guess he wanted to prepare himself for the worst. I told him I was not going to rate it, the email is only about four lines and its just letting him know how upset I was earlier. I told him he could always read it tomorrow.
By this point, he became very curious about the email and went and read it.
He later returned and asked me to explain the email, while taking me by the hand and sitting down with me. At this point I thought, this is how he should have been from day one. If only he had cared enough about the way I felt since all this began, we would be on the road to recover by now.
I started in about “A” explaining the situation to him. “Two days ago, when the conversation came to her, you no longer wanted to talk about it. I never mentioned that you purchased her that day. I then go on face book today and noticed that you purchased her again. What part of “no contact” do you not understand?”
His explanation, “Well, I went into a bidding war over “A” with her brother.”
At this point, I wondered if he even heard himself speak when telling me this. I don’t think he realized just how bad that looked. This tells me that she is important enough to him to bid against someone else to win her. I sure wish he would bid for my love or for me for that matter.
I then said, “I am tired of “A” being part of our lives. You have kept her in this marriage for way too long. How would you feel if I had lead you to believe that I had an affair with a man, and even though you had asked me to break off all contact with him, I would not do so, even knowing how much this person was causing problems between the two of us?”
His reply, “I would not like it. I will take care of it.”
I left it at that, hoping that he finally understands that this has been going on way too long and the contact needs to stop. Taking me by the hand and giving me his full undivided attention to let me tell him how I felt, was a huge milestone after all these months. Now let’s see if things finally start to change where his way of thinking is concerned.