I ran onto your blog after starting my own blog. I thought if I started one I could some how make sense of the affair my husband had/is having…who knows…having with….tahh dahhh…the woman who was my best friend. The woman I told my secrets to, the woman who was going to raise my youngest if something happened to me. The woman who told me I was crazy to take the crap he was dishing out to me.
It has been since Feb 06 I found out. I won’t go into all the details…where we are now…etc…I guess you could read it on my blog.
I just wanted you to know I am out here. I am reading your thoughts and I am hearing you. I pray for the best possible out come for you and your marriage, not to mention mine and all the others out there that has to go through the pain of an affair.
I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced. I can only imagine how difficult your journey has been after being betrayed by the two people you trusted the most. I look forward to reading your blog and learning more about your story.
Thanks for posting and letting me know you are out there. It helps to know that someone understands the pain and can relate.
Wow. I am on my seventh month of post-discovery of my husband’s three year affair. I can so relate to some of your feelings, questions, to all of your pain. I have made the decision to end our 21 year marriage – after he had continued contact with the other woman- after having agreed to ending all contact. I put up with two violations of this, and the third and fourth ( and who knows how many more) pushed me over the edge. I need desperate help with the obsessive thoughts I have. I almost lost a child in 2006, and that pain was undescribeable- but this- this is far beyond even that. My son’s illness wasn’t a conscious choice!
For three years my husband lived a double life, lying to me and continuing an affair with a young, sleazy co-worker. God- how do we heal???
My heart goes out to you for all you’ve been through. I cannot relate to your husband living a double life for three long years. But I do know that it is very painful, and even more so then the pain I have felt from my husband’s betrayal.
Your husband lied to you and carried on for so long, even after you gave him so many chances to stop what he was doing. That would get anyone exhausted, not to mention frustrated, angry and then furious. Hopefully, the hate hasn’t set in for you yet.
It must have been quite difficult for you to come to the decision to end your 21 year marriage. You don’t stay in a marriage for that many years, build a life together and then have it all come crashing down without doing something to save it. You have done plenty on your part to save what he has damaged, but he just didn’t have it in himself to do the same. And I’m so sorry for this.
We heal by taking one day at time. Moving past what another person’s choice has brought into our lives. We show them it is our life and we will decide what is best for us. They lost that right, when they went out and betrayed us like they did.
There is so much I wish I could say to and hear from you face to face. You hae been through so much of what I went through. And, each marriage is so different, as is the players in the situation. I got so angry when you wrote “What does he want?” Who cares what he wants!!! And The other woman, have you been face to face to her? As educated, decent women (I will say ladies, because this “other woman” is by no means “a lady”. She doesn’t care about your little girl, she doesn’t want a family–she is all about drama and attaching herself to it. I confronted the other woman, face to face. I lost a bit of the “lady” in me, but without getting myself thrown in jail, I let her know she had NO IDEA whom she was messing with. I frightened the bodily functions out of her AND my husband. But it is over. Now, I find myself a much more deserving woman, and after my mother’s death, I realize life is short I DESERVE THE BEST. What to do with that, I dont know. But I believe you deserve the best too. Your daughter does too. She isnt old enough to fight, but she has a GREAT mom as an example. Protect her. I dont give a crap about him. If he ends up with the bottom dweller he has been with, sounds like he is right where he belongs. Besides, sounds like the dramaqueen she is, he cant provide the nonstop thrills, and she will eventually find another junkie like herself. He can’t run a business and keep up with her!!! Just make sure that you and your daughter are financially taken care of. You will finally get what you deserve, only the best. (You knew it wasn’t him, right?) You are Way tooo intelligent. He knew all along you were too good for him. Just like my husband was, that is why they chase us so hard and fast initially, it is too hard to keep the act up!! I wish nothing but the best for you. And I will keep reading because I haven’t decided which direction I should go. I know I am not having delusions of grandeur, I DO DESERVE BETTER!!!
All my Best~Jenna
I have never been face to face with the other woman and really never cared to. I learned what she was all about and what type of person she was by the way she would write on “that forum” and the emails I had read of hers to H. It takes alot to confront the other woman. Looking back now, I’m glad I never did.
You are right, we all deserve better and you are no exception to that rule. It sounds like you are still undecisive on which direction you will take. It is a very tough decision and one that takes thoughtful planning and executing.
You may be a little close to the fire yet to consider approaching the other woman. It took me 10 years to consider doing this. I will tell you that personally it answered a lot of questions (and guilt that had been dumped on me over the years) that were kicking around still after all this time. In my situation, I found that this woman was someone who was carrying around the guilt for breaking up a marriage (even though she had urged my ex to keep regular visitation with his daughter, he let her carrying around the guilt and blamed her for his not involving his daughter in his life). He was happier going and screwing god only know who while he was supposedly over reading his daughter bed-time stories (which he did once). The bottom line, is that it relieved us both and helped put thoses old demons to rest. It may or may not be the case in your situation; however it was helpful in mine. Best wishes in your continued healing; it’s a tough road and i’m sorry that you have to go through this. There is a light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes it’s damned hard to see it. Hang tough, you’re much better off without the loser, you deserve much more in life.
My husband has had multiple affairs over our 23 yrs of marraige. I have thrown him out multiple times, and yet I always let him back wanting to believe his empty promises. What is wrong with me? His last affair ended six months ago and yet he continues to talk to her by phone and texting a few times a month but adamantly denies conversing with her even when presented with phone and messaging logs. I have become so controlling and distrustful. I do believe he loves me, but I think it is the security I provide, the stable enviroment, someplace he comes home relax. I think he likes the excitement of the relationships with other women. They are always volatile. Help!!! Any advice. When I am away from him I want the marriage over but when I am with him I just want to make him happy. UGH! Hopeless.
I want to apologize for the behavior of men. No one deserves to have their spouse cheat on them. While I am only 21, your story has further ingrained in me the importance of not only honesty but also honor. What your husband did was deplorable. Every woman deserves the man who will not only cherish them but also worship her. I hope and pray that you find that man who deserves you. My only request is that you hold your children tight and tell them you love them as much as possible.
I can feel how lonely you are, because I have been lonely too, for a long time.
My husband is emotionally closed. No emotional or physical contact. I have stayed for 36 years in a loveless marriage. I now realize I am co-dependent. I used this relationship to keep myself protected from having a real relationship with a man.
Now I am on the path to discover myself, and what I want.
If you leave him, he will want you back just as my husband did, and if you go back, the situation begins again, just as before. I wasted many years on someone who was never there.
Dragging a dead guy along is truly a difficult job. I decided not to waste my energy, life is short.
Please tell me the pain ends. My husband cheated on me after 14 years of marriage. It is unbearable. I kept fighting for the marriage as he kept flip flopping over whether he wanted to stay with me. I do not know how I could have such low self-esteem as to allow him to do that to me. Eventually he left me and even though I know he is not good for me, I really miss him and want him back. Why is that? Why can’t I move on? He never put me first, or considered our marriage a priority as I did. Why would I want to go back to that? I don’t even think he understands the pain he has put me through as he is so detached from his emotions. He likes to blame me for everything that he has done. But thanks to my therapist I know I am not to blame. (Well I am to blame about being a doormat and codependent and allowing him to treat me that way!) But I am learning how not to be that way. But I am sooooo sad 😦 I cannot even see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am so miserable.. I am also very codependent. My husband is emotionally unavailable. I just wish that he would fight for me, for our marriage. I adopted his twin boys when they were 6; and he once told me that he would alwys love them more than me. He has said so many things that have cut me to the core. He is so unavailable, and I have put up with it for 15 years. I don’t know what to do antmore. He hangs up on me all the time. He always put theboys 1st, and made me feel like an outsider looking in. He says that he wants a divorce all the time. God help me.
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