Keeping a Journal and looking back

When my daughter returned from Greece, after her long summer there, memories of us as a family and our time together came flooding back to me. I have been in deep thought for a while now and the reason why I’ve been absent from this blog.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve kept a Journal. I have it all written on an external hard drive and I consider it my life. It describes where I’ve been and all I have been through. But it wasn’t until my daughter returned from Greece, that I decided to pull it out and start reading. I have been reading and reading about my time in Greece. I have read things that I don’t even remember going through during the last two years there  prior to leaving my husband, especially the two months prior to starting this blog.  Maybe the possible shock to my older self is due to the way I write. I write without feeling and while reading those words, it looks like I am reading someone else’s life. Reading it now, I want to tell my younger self, why in the hell are you allowing him to continue treating you this way? At the time, I was very sick. I had no family or friends and was completely alone in a foreign county. All I had was him and my daughter who I was basically taking care of alone, with a little help from her aunt. If I had been well health-wise, I know that I would have handled things differently.

When I started this blog, it was the day I had found out about his infidelity, but I never wrote about what happened prior to. This is the point I am at now while reading “my life”. I just got to it this morning and I cannot believe what I am reading.

Posted in Blogging, Disappointment, Divorce, Everyday Life, Family, Greece, Infidelity, life, Loss, Marriage, Memories, Pain, relationships, Single parent, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Finding out after all these years

I just discovered from my daughter why her aunt (M) doesn’t like her new sister-in-law.

While my daughter was in Greece, M kept telling her that she really wanted to talk to me, but because of the language barrier, she was not able to do so. My daughter told her that whatever she wanted to tell me, she could tell her, and she would then relay it to me.

Not being able to help herself, M started telling my daughter that when me and her had went to the states for a visit,  that woman was brought to our apartment and was there for days. M went on to say that she would knock on our apartment door and tell her brother to tell that woman to leave because we were coming home. This probably went on for the duration of her stay. I still don’t know how long that was.

Questions began flooding my mind.  When did this actually happen?  Could he have already known her? Did he have something going on with her during the time he knew we would be returning back to Greece?

What we always believed

Me and my daughter always believed the story her dad told me years ago. At that time, we had spoke on the phone briefly regarding our daughter but then the conversation switched over to him like it usually does. He told me he had met someone. He had sold his car to a woman and she had a friend who he was interested in.  I told him I was happy for him and from the sound of it, it seemed serious. Then when he spoke of moving to the other side of the country to be with her and leave his business behind, I knew it was serious. This is the same woman he just married and the one who M is referring to.

Letting go

Even though I have these thoughts running through my mind, I can’t help but wonder. I knew that something would surface during the time my daughter was back in Greece, but I had no idea this would be it.

I know I made the right decision leaving.

I know that things would have never changed.

I know that I am better off.

But that still doesn’t change the fact that I miss the life I left behind even after all these years.

Posted in Blogging, Disappointment, Divorce, Everyday Life, Greece, Infidelity, life, Marriage, Memories, Pain, relationships, The other woman, Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

How deep was your love?

no-deep-disappointment

In my first marriage, we got together for reasons not involving love. I was 18 at the time and knew it was time to jump ship. This was the first cross roads in my life that I had encountered.  There were two paths. One would have been a path to self destruction, and the other would have been a path of self discovery and adventure. I chose the latter.

As time went on, we learned to love one another. The struggle we faced by being so young made it all that more intense. It taught us to go with the flow of things and cling to one another during those difficult times. We were the best of friends. It wasn’t until years later, when we started growing apart due to wanting different things out of life, that I  ended it. The time had come to be on my own and see what the world had to offer.

It was a mutual divorce and we split everything we owned. We sold the house and I had escrow issue two checks, one to him and one to me of equal amounts. I gave him all the furniture as I decided to move across the state and wanted to travel light. He kept his truck and I kept my car. We never had any children together because I never wanted any with him, but we did have my dog Sandy. In the end, he tried to keep her after changing his mind later once everything was said and done. But that didn’t last long, and he gave her back to me saying that I had made a big mistake. At that point, we went our separate ways and that was that.

As the years passed, I meet my second husband and moved over seas to Greece. I took it very slow this time. I waited a year before moving to Greece, and then we married a year and a half after we moved in together. We married for love and a deep love at that. We spoke in depth about how difficult our relationship would be, not only for me living in a foreign country, but also about the marriage by bringing together two different cultures.

In the beginning, the strain on our relationship was caused by his family and cultural differences. We couldn’t change the way his family felt about our relationship, but we were able to work out our cultural differences. We took both cultures, intertwined them, and made it our own. It was a relationship of compromise. Of course, I had to compromise more than he did because I was living in his country, but he tried the best he could to work with me.

At times, there were misunderstandings with one another. He had a difficult time with the English language. Translating what was said from English into Greek, more often than not, did not mean the same thing. During those time, we would sit down and I would explain in order for him to understand. We made it work.

From the day, I met my second husband, I knew right then and there he was the man I wanted to have a child with. We waited a couple of years. Once we were both in agreement, it only took that one time and I was pregnant. We were ecstatic.  He accompanied me to every doctor’s appointment during my pregnancy (because the doctor didn’t speak English) and he enjoyed the attention while waiting in a waiting room filled with women. The pregnancy went smoothly, except for the fact I couldn’t gain weight. I remember he tried to fatten me up during that last month of my pregnancy by getting me Greek pizza on a daily basis. It was an exciting time for us. I don’t remember us laughing as much as we did during my pregnancy as we watched as I grew bigger and bigger. Hell, I didn’t even feel like I was pregnant!

Once our daughter came along, we were on cloud nine. We both wanted to teach her so much. We agreed that both Greek and English would be spoken in the home. He would speak to her in Greek and I would speak to her in English. As a result, she became fluent in both languages. For example, when we were both in a room with her and she was talking, she would be looking at me and talking in English, and then would turn to her father and continue her conversation in Greek. It amazed us.

My husband had always been a work-a-holic and would not only work the hours of operation in the country, but would also work evenings and weekends, including Sundays. But prior to my daughter coming along, he always made time for me on weekends. However, once we became parents, things changed. He got deeper into this work and the only time he would give us was Sunday afternoon. As time went by, the  time we had spent together became non-existent.

By the time my daughter was two, me and my husband began to grow apart. He got even deeper into his work and began working long hours. There was not much of conversation left between the two of us anymore and when we did talk, it was about the business. He was always tired and didn’t have much time for us when he came home from work. I spent all my time with my daughter, and he spent all his time at work. And that’s where the story of this blog begins.

I gave the guy almost two years to work on the marriage, but during that time, he refused to do so. By the end of the second year, I had had enough. Things had gotten so bad between us and he still refused to work on the marriage. There were threats of kidnapping charges that entire last year I was there from fear that I would be leaving with our daughter. So the only way for me to leave was to say I was going home for a visit. Once gone, I started rebuilding my life. We continued communicating for a year and a half  on a daily basis and I was hoping that he would change and if he would have, I would have considered returning. Unfortunately, that never happened. He went on with his life and so did I. There has been very little communication since then even though we have a daughter together.

Once back in the states, my first husband came looking for me when he heard I returned from Greece. I didn’t even know he knew I had been there for nine years. When he found me, we began talking like two old friends. We spoke of the relationships we had been in with other people and laughed a lot about the past we shared. We were there for one another to talk to whenever we needed conversation. I remember one specific conversation we had when a mutual friend of ours committed suicide. We talked about how we were two individuals alone, and if we were to die, no one would ever know it. We felt we were destined to be alone for the rest of our lives.

We continued our friendship for a few years, I can remember when I got a job with the state and my car broke down. I didn’t wanna pass up the opportunity and he lent me his car to get to and from work for an entire week.

He was also there when I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer or so I was told, and was sent to a cancer center. He knew I didn’t have family and went with me for moral support even though I never asked him to.

When he found out that he had two kids from an old girlfriend after taking a paternity test, I was there to give him advice on kids as he had never had any children before. He wanted to be a father so bad but the kids were already pre-teens at the time, and his relationship with them never worked out. I’ve never seen a father try so hard.

When he decided to travel across country with a new girlfriend he had, he contacted me when he was running low of cash and I would wire him money.

Today, I do not know where he is. Communication was lost because I uprooted myself and left the state. However, I do know that if our paths ever cross again, our conversations will be filled with what we had been up to over the last several years.

Having been in two marriages, I have learned the deeper the love, the harder communication is after divorce. I truly believe that there can be no deep disappointment when there was no deep love in a marriage, and perhaps that is why communication can just flow after divorce for those whose love was never deep love.

What do you think?

Posted in Blogging, Communication, Divorce, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Memories, Parenting, relationships, Single parent, Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Big ol’ Jet Airliner

747Lufthansa

During the first year and a half while living in Greece, I had to fly back and forth to the states every three months. That was eighteen years ago. Geez, has it been that long?

Every three months like clockwork, I had to leave Greece and fly home. My future father in law at the time, would threaten he would go to the local police department and report me. When I think back on those days, I just laugh to myself, because he also thought I was an American spy sent to spy on his business.

The 747’s were huge, and every time I would take a flight back, the flights were practically empty.

It was a time when you could run the isles during flight, and you would have at least five rows to yourself. I am talking about complete rows, not just a few seats.

It was a time when you could eat during the entire flight because they would bring back snacks and food from first class.

It was a time where peanut allergies were unheard of and peanuts were served on every flight.

It was a time when you could actually lie down and watch movies because the monitors were on the seats in front of you. You not only had a variety of movie channels, but you also had a variety of radio stations. Also, you didn’t have to rent headphones, they would lend them to you during flight.

It was a time when the flight attendants would sit and conversate with you and we would all enjoy the flight together.

It was a time when the pilot would lower the oxygen level during night time flights in order for us to fall asleep until we arrived to our destination.

I sure miss flying in those days, those who have never experienced it, like my daughter, never will. All she talks about are how over crowded the flights are, and the lack of leg room she has. When I tell her about my time flying back in the day, she wishes she could fly in comfort like that.

Today, there are not many jet airliners in flight. Those that are, are mainly flown by overseas airlines. Here in the states, if you want to get somewhere, they put you on a smaller air craft which are cramped, and a flight doesn’t usually take off unless it is completely full.

Posted in Blogging, Flying, Greece, life, Memories, Teenage daughter, Travel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Instead of…

Instead of telling her what a wonderful young lady she turned out to be, he told her he was sorry that he wasn’t there for her while she was growing up.

Instead of spending that quality time with her in conversation about those lost years, he only gave her a few seconds to respond prior to pulling into the drive.

Instead of taking the time to ask her how she was doing all those years, and if there was anything she needed, he blamed me for all those lost years.

And in those few seconds, her only reply was “It’s not too late. “

Posted in All about him, Blogging, Children, Communication, Daughter, Disappointment, Divorce, Everyday Life, Father, Greece, hope, life, Loss, Pain, Parenting, relationships, Single parent, Teenage daughter | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

She’s finally coming home

 

My daughter is currently on her way home after being in Greece all summer. I am writing this from my hotel room, while waiting for her flight to come in .

It has been a very long summer without my daughter, and I can’t wait to see her. I know she will be different and all grown up from all her experiences she had.

This summer was a summer of finding herself. Of experiencing how she fits in with the family she left behind years ago, and while doing so, she realized that things were not the same as she had remembered. Throughout the summer, there were issues that arose with her father that weren’t so pleasant. As those issues came in waves, she learned how to cope with them. She also had the opportunity to experience her generation in her home country, and realized how different the kids are there as opposed to here. It’s all part of finding yourself and I believe she just might have.

This song reminds me of her. I would sit and listen to this song on the days that I missed her most.

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s a time to change, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey

But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated?

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me
While you were looking for yourself out there?

But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?

And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And did you miss me
While you were looking for yourself out there

Posted in Blogging, Daughter, Everyday Life, Family, Greece, life, Parenting, relationships, Single parent, Teenage daughter, Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The need to speak English in Greece

English Learning language

In most places in Greece you will find locals that speak English, and some quite well. Unfortunately, my daughter is not in one of those parts of Greece.  She has been struggling with missing the English language during her time there, and has continuously been on the lookout for any English speakers. I can just picture her going about her business with one ear hearing Greek from the person she is with, while using the other ear as a radar trying to pick up any English word in the distance.

My daughter’s primary language was Greek. But me and her father decided to raise her in both languages. He would communicate in Greek with her and I would communicate in English with her. She was able to split a sentence in both languages. For example, she would be talking to me in English and then would turn to her dad and continue the conversation in Greek. She amazed me.

One day, while with her aunt, she picked up on a conversation of some tourists from the UK and began talking with them. She realized at that moment how much she missed speaking English.

My daughter is going through exactly what I went through while living in Greece. The only difference is that she is only visiting, but I can so much relate to how she is feeling.

This takes me back to the time when I felt so alone. I never had anyone to talk to and my husband at the time was always working. I missed hearing English so much, I would put on an American movie or TV show, and when I cleaned our apartment, I always kept the TV going with something in English playing in the background. Pathetic? I think not.

Its more difficult than you could ever imagine. Imagine being in a world where you hear Greek everywhere you go and if you try to communicate partly in Greek and partly in English, the person with whom you are talking to still cannot understand what you are trying to say. It gets so frustrating and even more so when your little bit of Greek is not perfect.

I really thought by now that times would have changed, but I have been told that is not the case.

Posted in Blogging, Children, Communication, Daughter, Everyday Life, Family, Greece, life, Single mom, Travel | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,