Why we stay

When effected by infidelity in a marriage, there comes a time when you are faced with the decision of either leaving the marriage or staying to work on it. If you have never been in this type of situation before, it is one of the most difficult decisions you will ever have to make. You have to live with the choice no matter which one you choose. Sometimes it’s for the best, and sometimes it is not. In the end, the only way you know you have made the right choice is when you find yourself happy again.

There are a few reasons why women stay in a marriage that has been affected by infidelity. One of the most common is staying together for the sake of the children. I’ve heard this over and over again from quite a few women out there. For the life of me, I do not understand how they can live that way, nor the outcome it has on their children after the fact. Here in this country, people do it all the time. They do it more here than back in the states. After all, Infidelity here is not a reason to divorce.

When I look back on my parents’ lives together, they too stayed together for the sake of us kids. In fact, after I busted my father, he told me, “At least I stayed with your mother until you kids were grown and gone”. Parents make sacrifices all the time, just for the sake of their children. While making the decision to stay, it never comes to mind that their time spent are years they will never get back. Then comes the day when their children are grown and gone. They look back and see all those wasted years. They live with the regret, only because they thought it was for the best at the time. I know. I saw it in my father’s eyes.

Since the day I found out about H affair, I stood firm telling him I will not stay together for the sake of our daughter. It is something I have never believed in and something I will never do. I want a marriage as it should be and not one where we just co-exist together. Our daughter is almost five but even so, she is not naive as to what is going on between us. No matter how much we try to hide it, she feels it and knows it.

The reason why I stayed was because I really thought that H would change. I believed he would come out of the fog he was in and realized what he wanted. I believed that one day, his mind would clear and he would see all the damage he had caused to our marriage and would help repair it. He would realize he loved me and wanted us and we would work together. I guess that in itself kept me going during the most difficult time of my life. I thought that time was what he needed in order to see things for what they really were/are, but I was very wrong.

I wanted to know where we stood early on. I pushed so hard with conversations by trying to get down to the bottom of things, all because I didn’t want months to go by without working things through. If it was over, I wanted to know. I wanted to plan for a life without H if he didn’t really want me. However, it was a lost cause. I didn’t know it at the time, but dealing with a person who is that fogged up, is like hitting your head up against a brick wall.

As time went on, I realized that due to living in a foreign country with no job or money of my own, that we could not separate. He was not going to get another place and I sure couldn’t do it myself. If it had been possible, I’m sure that his mind would have cleared up quickly, but then again, I will never know.

Looking back over the last eight months, I can kick myself in the ass! Now I realize that I should have left when he was trying to push me out the door. I may have never known what the outcome would have been if I had stayed. I may have never known if he would have snapped out of it and really wanted us. But at least, I would have NOT had to endure more of the same pain during the months that followed. I could have lived without knowing the rest.

Yes, things would have been so different. All I find myself doing a lot these days is kicking myself over and over again. At least I’m no longer banging my head up against that brick wall. And wouldn’t you know it; my headache has finally started to subside.

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