I heard about the book “Not just friends”. It seems to be highly recommended from those who have gone through infidelity in their marriage. So I thought I would look on line to see if I could purchase an e-book of it. Since husband had his computer open, I asked him to look it up. In the back on my mind, I was hoping this would start up a conversation regarding our marriage. When I told him about the book, he looked it up and the description mentioned the signs of infidelity.
He said, “You must really want it so you can read about the signs.” I told him, “I already know the signs, after all, that is why I was on you for months until I found the proof I needed to bust you.”
He then asked me to tell him a few signs in order to possibly test me. I told him there are many signs but I would only tell him the signs that applied to him. To be honest, at the time, I couldn’t remember all the signs that applied to him, so I only told him a few off the top of my head. Below are all the signs that I can remember now. All these signs applied in his case.
Computer and Internet: Even though he has always spent a lot of time behind the computer, that time grew even more intense. It wouldn’t have been so bad if other signs regarding his computer behavior did not follow. When I would walk in the room, he would close dialogue windows while on his laptop. He would clear his computer history after every use once I started getting close to finding out the truth. He began chatting with other women for long periods at work and even after I had went to bed. He started deleting his private messages on the forum that he moderates (the same forum where the “other women” is also a member). He had a secret yahoo email account that he claimed he forgot the password to – this account was where the “other woman” was sending him emails.
Cell phone: He began receiving many long phone calls with women all hours of the day and night. He fell in love with his cell phone, sleeping with it and taking it everywhere with him, even when he went into the bathroom. Text messages to and from other women were throughout the day and night and were quickly deleted. There were even times when he would hold up the phone to read and delete the messages quickly, while I was trying to grab it to see who it was. On his work phone, he would quickly hang up when I would go visit him at his place of business. There were also hang up calls on our home phone that went on for quite some time <—funny how these calls all started happening once I found out, luckily they are non-existent now.
Changes in his behavior: He started ignoring me and was defensive and short tempered every time I would ask him what was wrong. He wanted to travel alone saying he needed his space and time for himself. He would attend functions alone with the many friends he all-of-a-sudden had made. He began sleeping on the couch and no longer done chores around the house. Things that he once frowned upon were now acceptable in his eyes. He started coming home late and then would say he just lost track of time. He began mentioning different friends all of which were women who needed a shoulder to cry on. He would then say, “she is only a friend.” He started sleeping a lot and became very distant.
Changes towards me: He began pointing out my flaws and finding fault in everything I did (the way I walked, talked, sat, etc), all of which were no longer good enough for him. He began comparing me with other women in this country, saying I had become just like them. He started picking fights with me over trivial things just to get me to leave the room. He avoided all conversations with me other than our daughter and even then, that was of no interest to him either. His sexual behavior changed. I remember having to hear over and over again the” I love you, but I’m not IN love with you” speech.
Me and my husband were very close, so it was obvious when his attitude starting changing and he would no longer confide in me. You live with someone you are very close to and when they show the slightest change in their behavior, you know right then and there that something is terribly wrong. But when the changes are this massive, that is when you know that something from outside of the relationship is causing it.
I first noticed a change in his behavior on the phone during the time I was out of the country. He was treating me cruel for no apparent reason. After I returned home, his behavior was not as obvious until three weeks later when he started changing again. From that moment on, I realized what I had suspected was right, and I began trying to find the evidence I needed. Besides the signs above, he would also tell me that he had nothing to hide and did I have proof. Then he lead me to believe he was having an affair with A who turned out to be a friend that helped him get rid of the “other woman”. Still today, I do not know if that was actually the only case in which he used A. She could have been “another woman” he was also involved with.
After telling my husband a few of the signs, I then explained to him that this book is about surviving infidelity after the fact. I told him that I’ve heard that most couples working on their marriage after infidelity read it and that we should as well. He said he would but that is highly unlikely.
The book mentions friends of the couple. After what I’ve been through, I believe that no matter how much one tries to apply rules to their marriage regarding friends of the opposite sex, it doesn’t really safeguard a marriage from infidelity. If a spouse is going to go out on the other, they will do so no matter what. As most of us have learned, when a spouse strays, it is not always with a friend or someone they know well.