H mentioned to me that he likes the road we’re on. He likes this road, because it is a road of peace in the home. We only talk about everyday things, which mostly relates to our daughter. There are no longer any heavy conversations or disagreements. It is very quiet here on the home front.
I understand how he likes a quiet road, I do too. In fact, it allows one to think and plan their future. However, this road we’re on, even though very quiet, is the wrong road as we’re not addressing any of our problems. We’re just floating here. I believe that we will continue down this road until one of us gets tired and walks away. It feels like the only thing that’s left is the heated ash from the large fire that was burning for several months. The smoke has started lifting from the ashes, but the small flame that lies beneath, is not completely out yet.
When H heard the part about one of us walking away, he was caught off guard and questioned it.
That is when he began acting very serious and told me, “You have too much time on your hands to analyze things and I am very concerned about you.”
When I asked exactly what he meant by that, he had no explanation as to why he was concerned.
He continued repeating the phrase but would not give me an answer. If I didn’t know better it sounded like he was trying to get me to believe something was terribly wrong with the free time I had or with me for that matter. Of course, after all I’ve been through with him, I know him much better than that. He always tells me something like the above phrase when a conversation begins to get deep or is of a serious nature. This usually happens when he wants to avoid the topic of discussion. It is his way to turn the conversation around taking our focus elsewhere, which always leads to me.
I sure wish he was this concerned about me over the last several months when I was going out of my mind and going through all the shit he was dishing out. He was never concerned at all. And if he was, he never showed it.
It is true that I have more time on my hands now; four extra hours to be exact. But that’s only because our daughter started school. It gives me the time I need to do my housework without interruptions and a little bit of “me” time. Now why would that be a concern for H?
It really upsets me when I find another person in a similar situation. How does a man, who claims he loves his wife, betray her and risk his family in the process? I will go to my grave never having that answer.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. But you have the right idea. Do not do what I have done by staying and living with false hope. It will be one year next month since I found out and the repeated pain I’ve had to endure for this man was something I could have lived without. I continue to live with the regret of not leaving prior to finding out. I should have left when he was trying to push both me and our daughter out the door. I believe he would have stayed confused for months after the fact, and by that time, we would have been settled in my home country. At that point, I would have had a better chance to have my daughter.
So continue your planning. Think things through. It is one thing to feel and know that you are being cheated on, but its quite another to have the evidence or be told the truth. When that happens, it will turn your world upside down and you won’t be able to think straight for quite some time. Get out when you can and hopefully, you will be able to walk away.
Good luck to you.
I am sorry to read what you have been through. Sometimes, it is easier when a spouse walks away in the beginning. I’m not saying it isn’t painful. However, when a spouse remains but refuses to do anything to help repair the marriage, and continues inflicting pain on the one they hurt, the pain is on going. Its like a torture. A slow, slow death to the heart.
Sadness is only a small part of what one goes through when they are betrayed by the one person they truly loved and trusted. As times goes by, what’s left of ones heart, after the fact, is forever broken. That part can never be repaired. Even if the other spouse tries to help. That is not the case in my situation though. Without the help, the lack of trust in people stay with you. You are forever marked. I will never trust again and I know I will never love again. I’ve accepted that fact and will continue my life alone.
Thanks for the comment
I just wanted to let you know, you are not alone. I am floating along as well in a very similar situation with a husband who may or may not be cheating on me. Unfortunately I no longer care if he is cheating. I am taking my time and trying to sort things out, waiting for the right time to leave. For me it is not if I should leave but when. I have two small boys, 5 and 6 years old and so leaving and how to leave is a decision that needs a lot of forethought. Plus it takes a lot of courage. I will keep reading to see how things progress. I liked your quote from Veronica Shoffstall on the side of the blog. I have printed it out and read it, it makes me feel better and gives me hope. Hang in there, you will find your way through this!
I’ve been there myself, dear. And it seems to part of the female condition to be saddened by that knowledge (that they don’t know what they will be losing and will regret it too late), but I honestly don’t know if men like this are ever capable of really understanding and feeling regret. My first ex-husband walked out on his children about 27 years ago and no matter how much we all tried to help him connect with them ober the years, he never tried. Now he is a grandfather who has never seen his grandchildren — or his kids for 25 years. I honestly doubt he even regrets anything; because that would require admitting he had done something wrong. It seems to me that your husband is hung up on that same issue — looking to lay blame on everybody but himself.
Best of luck to you and your child,
It has been ten months and at this point, I doubt there is anything that will wake him up. The sad thing is, he doesn’t realize what he’s losing and once we are gone, it will be too late.
Thank you for responding to my last comments. I have utmost admiration for you. It’s clear you are a very self-aware lady and H is trying his bets to be “self-unaware” in the hopes that he won’t have to take responsibility for turning that corner and getting on track. It’s a shame that he doesn’t see that this “quiet time” is not productive in the overall scheme of things if it means you either start on divergent paths or if it is the calm before the storm.
What do you think it would take to wake him up?
My best to you,