H mentioned to me that he likes the road we’re on. He likes this road, because it is a road of peace in the home. We only talk about everyday things, which mostly relates to our daughter. There are no longer any heavy conversations or disagreements. It is very quiet here on the home front.
I understand how he likes a quiet road, I do too. In fact, it allows one to think and plan their future. However, this road we’re on, even though very quiet, is the wrong road as we’re not addressing any of our problems. We’re just floating here. I believe that we will continue down this road until one of us gets tired and walks away. It feels like the only thing that’s left is the heated ash from the large fire that was burning for several months. The smoke has started lifting from the ashes, but the small flame that lies beneath, is not completely out yet.
When H heard the part about one of us walking away, he was caught off guard and questioned it.
That is when he began acting very serious and told me, “You have too much time on your hands to analyze things and I am very concerned about you.”
When I asked exactly what he meant by that, he had no explanation as to why he was concerned.
He continued repeating the phrase but would not give me an answer. If I didn’t know better it sounded like he was trying to get me to believe something was terribly wrong with the free time I had or with me for that matter. Of course, after all I’ve been through with him, I know him much better than that. He always tells me something like the above phrase when a conversation begins to get deep or is of a serious nature. This usually happens when he wants to avoid the topic of discussion. It is his way to turn the conversation around taking our focus elsewhere, which always leads to me.
I sure wish he was this concerned about me over the last several months when I was going out of my mind and going through all the shit he was dishing out. He was never concerned at all. And if he was, he never showed it.
It is true that I have more time on my hands now; four extra hours to be exact. But that’s only because our daughter started school. It gives me the time I need to do my housework without interruptions and a little bit of “me” time. Now why would that be a concern for H?