This morning while sitting behind my laptop, I started wondering why H has been sleeping more than usual this past week. Before I found out about his affair, he was sleeping quite a bit.
Looking back now, I know it was his way of trying to avoid me as much as possible. There have been times since, where he had started sleeping more, but that was due to the stress he was facing regarding his business. So this past week, when his sleeping pattern changed again, I figured something was up. I knew that his business wasn’t going as bad as it once was and as far as “us”, there is no stress for him as we have been floating here. So I wondered what it could possibly be that has caused him to go to bed very late and sleep during his lunch time.
While sitting and thinking, I felt this urge to go and check “that forum” to see if H had logged in. I hadn’t checked the forum in weeks. Much to my surprise, he had not only logged in, but he also posted. I was upset to say the least. Part of the agreement we had made was that he was to leave the forum completely.
When I went onto “that forum”, H had not only returned, but done so on September 30. Now it makes sense as to why his sleeping pattern changed. I then logged in and went into his private messages where a couple of people sent him “welcome back” messages. There were also messages to and from a woman. There should have been a total of eight but they were all deleted except for two. So he’s definitely hiding something.
I knew H would return to “that forum” after summer. I predicted and I was right. He was only trying to buy time and wasn’t really serious about working on us. I was just waiting around for something a little bit bigger then his emails with a woman from “that forum”. Now, all these prove he really doesn’t care and never really did.
Upset as I was to learn of this new development, I wrote H an email thanking him for making my decision a lot easier:
One of the conditions for me staying here is that you stay away from ******(<–“that forum”). Looks like you have returned in full color. So power to you!
Another condition for me to stay was that you were not to have ANY contact with women via the Internet. I have watched you and know you are in contact with ***** via email and even possibly others through PM in yahoo.
I have nothing more to say about this. I will plan for my departure very carefully to make sure I do things right this time.
No need to respond to this email and no need to discuss this any further.
A little while later, H comes home from work on break to make a coffee. He tells me “thank you?” and gives me the most hateful piercing look that I haven’t seen in a very long time.
I replied, “Yes, you returned to the forum.”
“No, I didn’t”, he replied as though he believed it himself.
“Yes you did. You posted,” I said while wondering to myself what his reason would be this time.
Well I may have posted, but I haven’t returned to the forum,” he said it as though he were trying to convince himself what he believed to be true.
I couldn’t believe he was playing the denial card again. What came to mind was a few months back when he was denying what was right in front of him. As a matter of fact, his pattern of denial has not changed all these months.
He knew that I would eventually find out. Why didn’t he come up with a better reason as to why he returned to that forum? He was so upset knowing that he had messed up yet again, and told me I could leave, but our daughter is staying. I told him I will not leave my daughter behind. She is going with me and he can stop me at the airport on my way out of the country.
Once he returned back to work, my mind started racing. I realized, just as he does, that he has me right where he wants me. He did not only betray me, lie to me, put me through shit all these months, belittle me, blame shift on to me, but now, he can also get rid of me and keep his daughter. He knew what he was doing all along.
A marriage cannot survive if there is no trust plain and simple.
I have gotten out. In fact, me and my daughter are currently in the states trying to make a new life here.
I just found your very interesting blog today. I’m so sorry for your pain, and I’m glad writing the blog has helped you.
I have been in two long-term marriages over three decades. I don’t think a marriage can be happy if you don’t trust your spouse. It’s really clear you don’t trust him, and can’t trust him. Maybe it’s time to get out?