Throughout the months, I continued having hope with what little of my heart I had left. Hope that one day, H would wake up and finally realize all he has done to us and would know just how much he wanted our marriage and family. Shamelessly, I continued to have hope while going through so much with H. When I look back, I cannot believe all I went through and wonder how I ever had the strength to get through it all. Things would have been quite different if H would have owed up to what he had done from day one. If only he would have been remorseful proving to me that he truly did love me, I wouldn’t have had to live all these months not knowing just how much I meant to him, or exactly how he felt about me. In the process, all this has caused me to question my love for him as well.
As I begun to write this, I remembered a post I wrote here back in December about this very thing. When I went back and read the post, it proved to me that we have not come very far since that day. I saw exactly what I had known all along. I have finally come to realize that there is no hope here. It took me stepping outside my situation and looking in, to see what I had feared for so long.
Over the last month, I have been going through changes. At first, I started feeling less and less love for H, until it finally faded away. Then I started realizing that I no longer had to take all he was dishing out. I put my foot down with what he needed to do in order for me to stay and make this marriage work. He done a couple of things immediately but left it at that. The three hardest things for him to do, was show remorse, show his love and help me with my self-esteem issue. He just cannot bring himself to help the one he hurt here and that in itself tells me all I need to know.
Oh honey, I am so sorry your marriage ended. Can you tell me how you are doing now? My marriage ended a few weeks ago and I am in so much pain. My ex-husband I am sure is feeling nothing, or rationalizing or analyzing or whatever it is he does to make up for the fact he is disconnected and detached from his emotions.
Why has it been so difficult for you to give me an insight in person or via email on what you were going through and what you are still going through?
Need I ask if there is a reason why you didn’t comment on the post itself?
One cannot begin to understand the emotional burning out a person can experience when everything is happening at the same time. And let me tell you, too many things happened and are happening at the same time.
The global financial crisis that has eventually affected the very same business that was started with so many dreams, the very same business that provided a living, paying the bills and bringing food at the table… started suffering.
At the same time, I had the notorious affair (or even better… the intercourse with that other woman) in a period when Sandy was away to the States, the same period when I started feeling the business downfall, the very same period that I was recovering from a very dangerous condition and I was subconsciously looking for some kind of affirmation that I am still a man, a fully functional man.
THIS is how MY side of the story begins.
I shall not attempt to overthrow the facts, it would be pointless, but rather provide an insight on what was and still is going through my mind all this time.