Throughout the months, I continued having hope with what little of my heart I had left. Hope that one day, H would wake up and finally realize all he has done to us and would know just how much he wanted our marriage and family. Shamelessly, I continued to have hope while going through so much with H. When I look back, I cannot believe all I went through and wonder how I ever had the strength to get through it all. Things would have been quite different if H would have owed up to what he had done from day one. If only he would have been remorseful proving to me that he truly did love me, I wouldn’t have had to live all these months not knowing just how much I meant to him, or exactly how he felt about me. In the process, all this has caused me to question my love for him as well.
As I begun to write this, I remembered a post I wrote here back in December about this very thing. When I went back and read the post, it proved to me that we have not come very far since that day. I saw exactly what I had known all along. I have finally come to realize that there is no hope here. It took me stepping outside my situation and looking in, to see what I had feared for so long.
Over the last month, I have been going through changes. At first, I started feeling less and less love for H, until it finally faded away. Then I started realizing that I no longer had to take all he was dishing out. I put my foot down with what he needed to do in order for me to stay and make this marriage work. He done a couple of things immediately but left it at that. The three hardest things for him to do, was show remorse, show his love and help me with my self-esteem issue. He just cannot bring himself to help the one he hurt here and that in itself tells me all I need to know.