It has been a very long day, probably one of the longest in a very long time. First, with the email I never received a reply on regarding “A”. Then the mutual agreement that I believe H is backing out of signing. I feel so depressed about our situation and feel like we are at a standstill. We spent the entire day together, but still, there was something missing. Perhaps, it is just me knowing that things are not going to work out between us. I feel that time is passing me by, just like cars on a race track.
I grabbed my laptop and started watching music videos as I do when I’m feeling down. It’s amazing how songs tend to take on a whole new meaning once one is affected by Infidelity. I have always loved songs solely on their lyrics, but now I can relate to songs that have to do with heart break, pain and Infidelity. While watching music videos, I became quite lonely and began to cry. When H walked over, he asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing.
He heard the song “the heart of the matter”, that I was listening to at the time and wanted to know what the song reminded me of. I didn’t reply. I then played a couple of more songs while H sat next to me on his laptop saying nothing at all. I could tell he started feeling quite uncomfortable, especially after I began playing “You give love a bad name”. He knew right then and there, what was on my mind. While the song was playing, I told him, it took me 22 years to understand and really feel this song. Before, it was just a happy-go-lucky song. I then asked him, “What does this song mean to you?” He never answered.
Watching and talking music lead us into a conversation. For the first time, since all this began, H did not say we could not talk because it was after 11 PM. In the past, he had made it a rule that we could not talk after this time. Instead, H surprisingly told me that he is ready to discuss the affair itself, but is not ready to discuss anything that happened right before or after I found out, or about the way he treated me back then.
He said, “You don’t understand. I felt like everything happened to me at the same time.”
I replied, “I’m sorry that both these things happened to you at the same time but you brought this on yourself when you had the affair. It was just your luck that I found out around the same time you realized your business was going down.”
I then asked him, “Why haven’t you apologized to me for what you have done or even how you treated me after I found out?” I knew I would not get an answer, so I went on…”Most men who stay with their wife after the fact, usually apologized and make the wrong right, so they can begin working on their marriage together. You don’t even show remorse for what you have done or say you are sorry with meaning behind it and I want to know why!”
He replied, “I hate being compared to others and you know that.” What he didn’t realize is that he is “the others” I was referring to.
Remembering how I was treated by him, I said, “You spent a few months comparing me with other woman and I put up with it.”
His quick come back was with one of his favorite things to say, “So this is pay back?”
I replied, “No. I’m above that. I would rather walk away with what I have left of myself, then to pay you back. You are not worth it.”
He didn’t have anything to say about that. So I asked again, “Why didn’t I ever get a sorry for what you have done?”
He had no answer to that. The only thing he kept saying was if we spend time together, he would feel more comfortable to talk to me, and then everything else will fall into place.
Now how will everything fall into place when we do not talk about the source of the problem? Am I supposed to fake enjoyment of being with him, when in the back on my mind, I know he is not sorry for what he has done?