Mourning

It started with just a simple text message followed by a few more H received. It wasn’t so much the messages he received from his female friend “B”, or the fact that they came over very late at night, but rather the attention he gave them. Instead of him saying it’s late and he would reply to them in the morning, he acted as though they were of extreme importance when in fact, they were far from that.

We have been drifting more apart over the last three weeks and things have not been going as they should between us. The above just added more to it by making me feel less important to him, if that’s even possible. But like with everything else, he is just making matters worse with the little things he does.

I see it all as a huge pile of shit. Each time, a little more shit is added to the pile and before you know it, it’s overdue to be hauled off. The smell is unbearable, but I try to live with the odor as a country girl does when living out on a farm. In time, I just might begin to grow accustomed to the smell or haul it off myself.

While feeling so frustrated with our current situation and him ignoring the way he puts others before me, I tell him, “You know I really wish that when I send you text messages you would reply to them. Even when I send you emails, you never reply to those either. Yet you say that you reply to everyone who sends you text messages and emails. Your excuse for not replying to my emails is because they are not of a serious nature and it takes you hours to sit and think about how you are going to reply to them. But what about a simple text message saying I love you? You can’t even reply to those. Simple little text messages between me and you were made. Not on a regular basis, but they were made. You always replied to me. Of course, I initiated them all the time, but that’s beyond the point. Do you see how this bothers me? “

He had no reply, so I went on…”Not only that, but let’s take blogs for example. You don’t go to my blog to see what’s going on. You don’t even read it, but yet, you can go to your friend’s blogs daily and even comment on theirs. When I needed you to help with the customs and culture of this country for my blog, you refused to help me and proof read my articles, but yet, you can proof read someone else’s article and help them upload it to the forum. I’m not even important enough to you.”

He still had no reply. At that point, I started getting upset. He did not give me a reason, nor an apology. He just sat there as though I had said nothing at all. What came over me next was one of the strangest feelings. I began feeling as though my best friend had died and I was mourning the loss. I realized I have been in a mourning phase with one good day, one bad day and so on. It was never ending. I realized at that moment, that this is what I had been going through. Only now, the feeling is stronger than ever.

I then began to feel like I was going out of my mind. I just don’t understand how my emotions can take me over so strongly, while not allowing me to think about anything else. I told H how I was feeling because he saw that something had come over me. I was crying uncontrollably. “I feel like I’m unloved! I feel like I’m not important! I feel like I’m nothing! I feel like a piece of shit!”

H did not say anything to comfort me at all. He just told me it was a phase, but a deep phase I was going through and that I would get over it.

“I know I’ll get over it. I’ve had this feeling before,” I said. Then I started thinking back a few days ago and what came to me. “I know exactly what’s going to happen to me. If I’m going through this phase now, when I come out of it, I’m going to be so strong that I’m going to walk away from here.”

He then said, “I cannot believe those text messages triggered all this”, while not giving much attention at all to what I had just said.

“That’s not why. Things have just built up over the last three weeks and that’s what’s coming out now. It looks like I’m headed for another break down.”

Not giving any attention at all to what I just mentioned, he says again, “I cannot believe those text message triggered all this.”

Okay”, I say, “Since you say that what’s triggering me are text messages coming through, then add the phone calls and that forum to it as well. Put a stop to all of it, so I won’t have any more triggers and I’ll be just fine.

He didn’t like that one bit and then came up with the idea of turning off his cell phone around 10 PM, as if that would happen.  What he should do is no longer be sending or receiving text messages and taking phone calls, and if he got off the forum as well, this would no longer be an issue.