Things come to mind about our life together. There were many opportunities for H to go out and find someone else. I began thinking about this time or that time when he had a good advantage away from home. The question is, were there more times or just one?
A few months ago, H had brought to my attention that a couple of years prior, he had lunch with a woman (“S”) from “that forum”, while away on a business trip. At the time, I didn’t think much of it, although I was a little upset that I was told two years after the fact. After all that has happened, I now believe he may have had something going on with her as well.
About a year and a half ago, H and I attended a face to face meeting with about 20 forum members who gathered for lunch. “S” was there along with her fiancee. When I was introduced to her, she would not look me in the eye, nor would she say anything to me at all. Looking back now, H spent most of his time that day by her side talking with her. Today “S” is still a friend of H and even though she is now married, it doesn’t really mean anything because the woman H betrayed me with, was also married.
I cannot believe that my life has come to this! Looking back on all the times I would have never given a second thought to and now, I look back and there are a lot of times that are questionable. Things will never be the same between us now that I know what H is capable of.
In addition to all this thinking, I also began comparing my H behavior now to that of a few months ago. What I have come to realize is that he is acting the same way he did prior to my finding out. He shows no remorse for what he has done. He’s not helping me get past this and says I need to help myself. He is very cold and distant and avoids me as much as possible. He doesn’t even talk much to me at all. He’s in his own little world thinking only about himself. I thought things were going to change. I thought things were going to be different and they are not.
He’s not being cruel or mean but he’s not being understanding, loving and caring either. He’s in between. Maybe its not something I’m suppose to understand. Maybe I’m suppose to save myself and just go.