It has been a year ago this month that the affair ended, at least the physical part. What has been on my mind during this month has been the fact that we are just floating here. We need to move forward and I’m tired of not doing so. I do realize that he must be ready in order for us to work together on this and that seems to be the hardest part when your spouse is not making the effort.
I took the opportunity to confront husband to tell him we needed to start working on the marriage.
“There is so much we need to do in order to begin moving forward”, I say.
He replied, “I know that, why are you blasting me?
The word “blasting” had been added to his vocabulary after I found out about the affair. Every time I would approached him about anything serious, even conversations that were not affair related, he would say I was blasting him. That was always his way of getting me to back off and end the conversation.
At this point, I really didn’t want to let this go. I needed to know where he stood in the relationship.
I went on to tell him, “I have been working hard on self-healing and you need to start doing the same. We still have a marriage that needs healing and that must be done together”. He had no comment about that. So I continued and asked him, “How much do you want this marriage?”
He replied, “Do we have to deal in percentages?”
I said, “Let me rephrase the question. Do you want this marriage bad enough that you are willing to work on it?”
He said “yes”, but then quickly followed that with a “I don’t feel like talking about it.”
At that point, I realized he wasn’t ready to move forward or work on the marriage. This is just a waiting game that I feel I don’t have time for. Why is it that he is the one who strayed, hurt me, is not helping me heal, and now I have to wait for him until he is ready? This is so unfair.
He then mentioned he had paperwork to do and how nice it would be if I sat next to him on my laptop while he was on his doing his work. I agreed and sat next to him. He then said, “see, we’re working on the marriage by spending time together.” At that moment I thought, I don’t see how sitting next to each other in total silence is really considered spending time together, but whatever works for him right now, is all I’m going to get, so I’ll just go along with it.
He is taking the easy road by avoiding any conversations regarding us and believes that burying the problems of our marriage is a sure way to put it behind us and move on. He has a long way to go before he starts to comprehend what needs to be addressed in order to start working on our marriage.