Holding on to hope

I’m just holding on to a little bit of hope thinking that the next day, he’s going to snap completely out of it and realize what he really wants. I cannot wait around forever and be tortured every day just for the way he acts towards me and the things he says.

“I’m really tired of telling you how I feel about the situation and you telling me to get over it. I’m tired of you not proving to me that it was a mistake, not a mistake because you were harassed after the fact, but it was a mistake because you realized you really did love me and that it didn’t mean anything to you – it was only sex because I was out of the country. I cannot believe you have not been able to start over fresh and new like you had promised the day I found out. I am physically and mentally tired. I’m exhausted. I’ve been holding this marriage together for over a year now and you haven’t done anything to work on it. There is nothing more to fight for here. It’s taken a few days to soak in, but I know you are not going to try and it’s time for me to go.”

He replied with a cold look on his face, “I won’t beg you to stay. But you have to let me have communication with my daughter.”

 “She will have communication with you but you have to realize one thing. You haven’t bonded with her in the way you should have and because of that reason, she never wanted to get on the phone with you during the three months we were in the states, so I doubt she will want to once we’re gone. Its not going to be my fault if she doesn’t want to talk to you. I will guarantee you one thing though, she will have communication with you on the computer every day if you want to or on the phone if you call. That will be totally up to you and you will determine what kind of relationship you will have with your daughter. You will go visit her whenever you are able to, once or twice a year to stay in her life so she can see you.”

 He replied,”maybe once a year, but not twice.”

 “It’s up to you. I’m not going to play the in between. I’m not going to push you two together. If you couldn’t bond with her over the last four years that she’s been with us, then what makes you think you can do so when we’re gone?

 Not wanting to comment on what I had just asked and changing his mind once again about us going, he says, “I am willing to try and work on our marriage but I don’t remember how. We drifted apart long ago.”

Talking to him as though he were a child...”it comes from the heart. If you love someone, it comes naturally. It’s not something you have to work at. It’s not something you have to re-learn. If you want a relationship you’re gonna work on it through all the problems of everyday life, you’re going to work through it.”

He didn’t have anything to say about that and instead he said, “Can’t we make this work?”

I explained…”I’m like a car almost out of gas and I can’t go on anymore. We are going to go once we get some loose ends tied up here. Too bad you cannot find it in your soul to even try to make this work. I’m not going to hold this together anymore doing it completely alone. Not for the sake of the child. I don’t believe in it.”

And still after what I had said, he had no comment at all. He just stood there for a few seconds and then turned and walked away.