Mom…

I just wanted to tell you that it has been four years since you’ve been gone. This year in particular has been spent in thoughts of you. It is said that it is easier as time goes by and that the pain slowly fades but whoever said that has no idea what they are talking about. This year in particular brought back all the memories as though it were only yesterday.

Every year when Easter rolls around and the Easter candy appears on store shelves, I think of you. Four years ago when you decided to let go, I spent that week living on Easter Candy and water, okay and maybe a little beer as well. We spent time going through all your belongings you left behind and I couldn’t help but wonder what you had been up to behind my back by organizing all the photos for each one of us kids. It was as though you knew you would be leaving soon.

I’m sorry that I kept you in the rehabilitation nursing center but what you didn’t realize at the time was that it was for your own good. We were hoping you would gain the strength back in your legs so that we would be able to care for you better once we brought you home. You didn’t have to curse me every day telling me you wanted to go home. I already knew that.  I have to hand it to you; you were smart by getting stubborn and no longer cooperating with your physical therapist, so that we would take you home sooner. I know you over heard me talking with the physical therapist which gave you the idea in the first place.

The day we brought you home, you just about ran to your apartment door. You were like a child running to a candy store. We could not believe how well you did with your walker and on that day, we started questioning if you could do it all along and were just giving us a hard time for years. I knew you wanted to go home to die but I was delaying it. If the truth be known, we honestly didn’t know if we could have handle caring for you because of the disease you had. We wanted to do it on our own and not let hospice get involved. The doctor’s warned us but you know how stubborn I can be.

The next morning after bringing you home, you passed in your sleep. I tried to revive you as your body was still warm, but that didn’t work. When the paramedics arrived and wanted to try, we stopped them knowing that your heart and brain had already been through enough. It was time to let you go. You looked so peaceful in such a way that we had never seen you look before. And let me tell you, when you went, you went. There was no sign of your spirit around anywhere. You were in a hurry to go and that you did.

We gave you the perfect funeral you wanted and thank you for writing it all down for us. It was a beautiful service and the best funeral anyone could have asked for. There was not one tear shed by anyone who attended. You would have been proud. On your coffin, we had the words embroidered that said “Let the work I have done speak for me”.  I dressed you in Lavender and the flowers on your coffin and all around you were your favorite – Lavender Carnations.

We walked behind the car that carried you all the way to your grave site. It was a beautiful, clear, sunny day. You were now in peace and it could be felt by everyone who attended. We decided that we would be the ones to carry your coffin the rest of the way. So me, your two sons, your adopted son and your three grand daughters all had the privilege. We also all dressed in Lavender in honor of you.