What does he really want?

He asked me to stay again even though our financial situation is grim. Promises were made of finding another place to live since we need a complete environment change. He also mentioned accompanying him on business trips and spending more time together in the process. This was basically the same thing he had mentioned to me just a few days ago, but in his current state of mind, he must have forgotten.

I reminded him of the plans we made a few days ago and then I started realizing that perhaps he was so in a hurry to get rid of us, for fear that I would find out his dirty little secret. The plan we had made prior to, was that me and our daughter would move to the states and start a new life and then he would join us after he shut down his business. This would take anywhere from six months to possibly a year. Even though we would be apart this long, we both agreed it was best to go.

Now that I know about husband’s infidelity, that changed and we decide to make our marriage work. We realized that if I had left as originally planned, it would have been over. However, since then, he has changed his mind several times not knowing what he really wants.

Out of nowhere, he tells me “My first preference would be to stay here in this country.”

Feeling frustrated with him changing his mind several times daily, I told him… “First of all, the only way we are going to make it together is by showing me your love and understanding to help me get over what you have done. Proving to me it was a mistake and that you really do love me. Second, if you really want us as a family, we’re going to uproot from here and move to the states and you’re going to go if you really want us. You can’t even provide for us here the way you want. Things are getting worse with every passing day due to our financial downfall of the business.”

Trying to come up with a fast response, he said, “it is going to take longer then I originally thought.” This meant that we would be separated for much longer then originally planned.

I then told him “We can stay until January or even April to see how things go with the business. It will give us time to work on our marriage and I can be here for you when you need me the most.”

His response although quite cold was “You girls just need to go and I will join you later whenever that will be.” At that point, he started saying goodbye to me. So I went along believing it was probably for the best, since he wasn’t really working on our marriage. We even discussed how we would keep in contact via phone, chat and emails. Then, catching me totally off guard he said, “If one of us were to find someone else while we are apart, we need to promise to tell the other.” Angrily, I told him, “that is the furthest thing from mind. I will be going to start a new life by getting a job, putting our daughter in school and preparing for your arrival.” He told me, “You are too absolute. Anything can happen”. I used to be absolute too and now look what I have done. I have done something I always thought was wrong.”

I decided to not dignify what he had just said with an answer. Instead, I decided to let it go knowing that he was not being realistic and probably wouldn’t join us in the end anyway. He can’t show me the love that is needed to help me get over this. He can’t work on the relationship while I’m here, so what makes him think we can work on it from a distance of half way around the world?

– – – – –

What has been haunting me was the three and a half weeks my husband had been treating me as though I meant nothing to him. It was right before I had found out about the affair he had had. He led me to believe I was the cause that our marriage would soon break up due to a silly reason such as me interrupting him when he spoke. In the process, he put me down to the level of a dog, looking up to his master to show him a new trick, in order to perform it to make him happy. I was belittled every single day by him telling me something negative about my character or about me as a woman. The cruelty was so much to bare that I finally put a stop to that. I had been pulled through the gutter and had had enough. My self-estimate was taken completely away from me and I couldn’t even believe that I let that happen!

I needed an answer as to why he treated me that way and now that his mind was more clear, I decided to ask him…

Why were you treating me so cruel during the last three and a half weeks? Looking straight into his computer without looking my way, he answered “I don’t know”.

You must know”, I said.

He then turned to me with anger in his voice “It was revenge for the way things were throughout our marriage.”

The anger I felt at that moment took me over completely. I pushed him to the floor and told him, “You don’t treat someone you love like that”. I went on and on and no one could shut me up…”If you had issues with me, you should have told me but then again, your rule throughout our marriage was that we were not allowed to discuss our relationship. Every time I tried, you would run away saying you didn’t want to talk about it. Things would have never reached to this point if you would have just talked as much as you have over the last three and a half weeks!”

While getting up off the floor, he told me “I cannot take this anymore with you bringing up what I have done every day. Leave, if this is how it’s going to be”.

I left the room and it was the last thing I remember before blacking out. Needless to say, I do not remember what I did for a few hours. I was told I finished up my packing and that I told him I was leaving. This had been the second time that I blacked out since I had heard about the affair. Actually, the first time was on the day I found out, but I only passed out for a short time. This time was different. It was as though there were a few hours missing from my life that are not accounted for.

A few hours later, I found myself out on our veranda staring out into the night. Husband came out there and by this point, I wanted to hear a deep apology that he would change and would make this work. But I didn’t get that. Instead he said, “You don’t have to go, we’ll work this out”. He went on to say, “ It wasn’t worth it. This really taught me a lesson because I didn’t know I was going to be harrassed for months after. I thought it was going to be a one night thing and that was going to be the end of it.”

My mind went back to the day I found out and what he told me, I will do everything I can to make this work to keep our family together. I made a mistake.” He was crying but he was only semi-sincere in what he had said, since there was never an apology made to me for what he had done. And still now, there is no apology, only the fact that he learned a lesson due to being harassed.

I told him, “Things will not work out between us because you have no remorse for what you have done. Even though there may have been a lesson learned, it doesn’t make up for betraying me and our daughter.”

While giving me a hug, he said, “Goodbye, it was a wonderful ten years”.

I then said, “Oh it was? Then why did you say earlier that the way you had been treating me was due to the way things were throughout our marriage all these years?”

Changing his mind for the last time today, he said, “You don’t have to go”.  We just stood there together silent in our own thoughts.

Current status: Still leaving but don’t know when.


2 thoughts on “What does he really want?

Add yours

  1. Thanks for your advice and kind words. It is now February and I am still here. After seeking legal advice, I was told to stay put and not leave the country. It was a very rough two months but my husband eventually did come around (not completely though) and we’ve started working on our marriage together. At this point, I don’t know how things will go or if we will make it or not. Currently, our attorney is working on an agreement between the two of us to grant sole custody of our daughter to me if in the event I leave the country. So basically, after I receive this legal contract, nothing will be holding me back from leaving. My husband has been told by me that all is up to him to make this work now, as I have done all I can.

  2. well..i’m truly sorry for your plight..i’m not an expert on love, but i do know that your situation is
    not a good one..Its not a question of what does he
    want..its a question of what “you” want and wish
    for you and your daughter. In my humble opinion,
    I would pack up, take my daughter..and get out of town..
    begin again..you seem smart, capable, and just about
    ready to go..you dont need to be the dog…you can be
    the master of your own fate..dont leave it up to him,
    where you end up…I think he’s been trying to tell
    you its over, but just cant say those words. I wish
    you all the best.for you and your daughter..

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