For those of you who have been following my story. No, we have not yet discussed the situation of our marriage. I don’t know if he has finally come to the point of taking full responsibility for what he has done or if he has decided to start working on the marriage. It doesn’t seem to be the right time so I’m waiting for a window of opportunity to appear, before climbing through.
Last night, I approached husband to ask him a few questions about the other woman. He had answered questions about her in the past but those answers we not detailed enough. Those answers formed even more questions that I needed answers to. It took me two days to plan my approach since it is difficult to talk to him about anything these days. I approached him as if I would a child who had great fear of me. I had to make sure not to startle him in any way. I reassured him before I asked any questions that this conversation would not carry over into another, and that these were questions I just needed answers to. Since this was not going to be a conversation and it would only be a form of questions for him to answer, I couldn’t add more questions to the answers he would give me. I had to be very careful not to scare him to the point where he would emotionally shut down.
At first he was very apprehensive and then started calming down when he noticed that I was calm myself. I set a calm environment by being very relaxed and that in turn, relaxed him as well.
My first question to him was one that I had asked him in the past and just wanted to see if the answer was the same. I asked him if there was a mutual agreement between the two of them that their meetings were only for sex. He replied that they both had agreed but he didn’t give me much more of an answer then that. To me, this is still questionable and it will have to be address some time in the future to clarify.
My second question to him was how did he know she was a psycho (as he put it). He said he didn’t know it in the beginning but began noticing the way she was writing her emails to him after the fact. It came to light some time later when she confided in him saying that she was taking medication for multiple personalities and she had even been institutionalized at one point. She told him that during the time she was seeing him, she stopped taking her medication so she could feel free.
My third question was regarding a “thank you” email she wrote him thanking him for helping her out with her son. I asked him how he helped her and he said it had something to do the relationship her teenage son had with his father. Due to the large age gap they did not get along. He didn’t quite remember what he told her.
My fourth question I asked was if she ever threatened him in any way and he said no. I then asked if she had threatened to tell me and he said she did once. In the past he told me she threatened him twice. This is the burning question because even though the physical part of the affair ended May of last year, I still don’t have an answer as to why he continued contact with her even though she initiated every time. Normally, in cases like this, where the women is obsessive, the man is afraid the other women will tell his wife.
I have to admit that once I was done asking the questions, the answers that were given caused even more questions. I realized that getting into a conversation at this point was not wise. So I didn’t ask any further. I know there will come a time very soon when we will have a lengthy conversation and that is when I will present the questions.
In the end, I thanked him for the answers he gave which helped me to clear a few things up. I explained to him I did understand what he went through with the other women after he tried to break it off with her. I also understand the difficulty he was having trying to balance out both me and her. On top of that, trying to keep a secret that he had no idea when or if it would ever come to light. He thanked me for my understanding and I saw a sense of relief come over him. He was very appreciative and thanked me for my understanding. I sense that this may be a turning point for him now that he sees I have changed towards the situation. As a result, he may become comfortable enough to begin discussing the truth about the affair and that in turn, can help us begin healing our marriage. I guess only time will tell.
Spying on tragedy is hard. It often gives us a sense of where they should be, not us. If we could only make that hard process a game and a process to grow, we all would be a little bit more sane.
It is really strange some times, that… after some time passes, little details come in mind. Details that elude you at the moment they occur. Or other times, they are not little details but big facts and they still pass rapidly in front of your attention range and you miss them. Simply because at that moment, your mind is elsewhere.
A few days ago, I recalled a memory, a rather important one.
I do not remember the exact time it happened (in reality, I do have a problem with remembering dates especially during periods of extreme stress) but it must have been around July of 2007 (on or about 2 months after the A occurred).
The OW sent me an email…. one of the many she was sending (including numerous phone calls at work that I NEVER answered, always using the excuse that I have a policy to not accept personal calls at work, even though I am the owner and manager of the business) writing me something like this (to the best I can remember after all this time) :
I want you to know how much I care for you. So much that I have stopped taking my pills. The pills that keep me calm and grounded. I want you to know my feelings for you….”
Somewhere over there I paused reading, trying to realise what had just hit me. Scenes from the film “Fatal attraction” started crossing my mind, realising how much more worse my situation had just turned.
Around December of 2007, and after my infidelity had been discovered,. with everything that was going through my mind, I opened my heart to a fellow forum member (on the forum that was I moderator). A female friend, someone that has been out and about in her life, an experienced person when it came to relationships in the sense that she has done many mistakes in her life and that her life serves as an example to avoid. And indeed she has learned a lot… the very hard way.
I told her everything that had happened. To the best I could remember and as fast as I could type and talk on the phone. For about… (well, I am not certain as far as the how long our conversations lasted, it could have been until end of January 2008), we talked a lot. She did give me a lot of input, lots of advice, lots of encouragement and most of all, she brought me back to my senses (but thats another story).
Apart from her original surprise… that ME, one of the forum’s most respected members with friends all over the country, the “buddie”, the family man that everyone trusted, the member that everyone was taking his side on various occasions (even when I was on the wrong), had done something like that, how had I dared to compromise my family life, my tranquility, all for an…. , intercourse.
She prompted me to tell the OW that it was all for sex only. Nothing more,.nothing less. Just plain casual sex between two adults for whatever individual reasons it agreed to do the act, it was only for that. Little she knew at the moment that the OW was (is) the kind of person that will not take a NO for an answer.
Immediately after the 2nd meeting, I cut off communication, right after I replied to an email of hers that was waiting for me as soon as I got home that night. but did not read until I checked my personal emails the morning after. My reply was something like “Farewell, have a nice life” and such.
Simple things, right? Wrong!
Was followed was a remake of the “Fatal attraction” scenario.
A No was not an acceptable answer for her.
A never again was not acceptable either.
On a daily basis, in my private Inbox on the forum, I was receiving plenty of messages telling me how much of a great time she had and how much more of that great time she wanted to have again.
As much as an ego boost this can be to a man, it did not work this way for me. It was frustrating to receive dozens of private messages, repeated phone calls on my mobile phone while at work, plenty of text messages on a daily basis, emails, little hints (aka replies) on the forum posts of mine… she did make her presence noticeable. And no breathing room left for anything else.
It was only for about 12 hours before Sandy arrived at home from her trip to the States and for another 18-20 hours after the arrival that she left me alone.
To her dismay, I was either not replying to her messages or simply replying rather abruptly, attempting to make my message get through to her :
“Its over! Or better, it is more than over, because it never begun! Not THAT lovey way at least…”
And despite the fact that the whole thing was based on a mutual agreement to meet for sex only and on top I do understand that there is times where emotions can overcome a person and make them act irrationally or even more so…. experience love feelings for their occasional sexual partner, those feelings were one sided :Her side only.
I have attempted many times to tell Sandy that me, just like many other men, can separate love and sex. That we men can have sex with another woman that we do not have feelings for. Not that women cannot, it is just more easier. And I am no exception to this rule.
Back to the point where I was talking about the female online friend, whom I had met only once before in a public tavern in early November 2007, during one of the occasional forum member meetings, during our conversations, I told her all the events. To her surprise, she could not understand how a woman, when dealing with a man like me, acting like I did, making it clear that I would never leave my wife for her or anyone else, that I would never abandon my family, was so persistent in meeting with me again.
At some point, after one of her many requests to meet again, she asked me, and I remember that moment vividly :
– When you come to A City on business, will you let me know so we can meet?
– You will be the last person on earth to know that I am in A City on business trip or a personal issue trip.
Even that message did not go through.
How could it go through?
It was not until some time later that two revelations was made to me. The first was the medication she was under, medication that keeps her emotions under control (I mentioned this earlier on this post). The second revelation of her intentions was the following trick that was played on me :
I believe it was about 2 or 3 weeks after Sandy’s arrival when she had to be hospitalized for something that seemed minor to begin with. Some kind of gynecological problem, nothing major though.
She started calling me everyday on my mobile phone. I was silly enough one day to answer it quickly, not noticing the caller ID info. And it was her alright, telling me over the phone, that was in the waiting room for urgent surgery for her doctor reassured her that she was pregnant and that it was mine! Not only that though, but the fetus was carried out of the womb and it had to be removed immediately. Which pregnancy btw could have not been possible. Simply because the days of life of the fetus did not coincide with the last time we had…. and on top of it, at some time later she sent me a private message telling me that her husband, after something like 6 months of absence, practically raped her and did not use protection either.
I did get scared though. Very scared. Extremely scared.
Not only because I did use protection… but the spirit of doubt got over me. That little… “what if….something went wrong?” was whispering to me all the time for days, non stop, even worse when I was about to go to sleep at night next to my beloved Sandy.
I came close in telling her everything, thinking that that was the honest thing to do but feelings of guilt mixed with feelings of anger on my self, how could ME, a business person, a person that does business in the most appropriate and polite manner, could have fallen into such a situation. How my life, my marriage had fallen into such a loop hole, where everything was rotating around a person that I met twice, that I would never meet again…
BUt I did not come out in the open and confessed. I should have done so, even then, when it was still fresh (so to speak) and not let things get worse in the process.
Worse in the sense that I started realizing the mess I got my self into. I tried to think of how could get out of that situation. At first, and the last time I met her, I attempted the “Nice approach”
It did not work.
After my discovery of how far she could go (pregnancy, discovery of the medication she WAS NOT TAKING on purpose), I attempted the “Bad approach”
– You are not there! You do not exist!
Which resulted in a 3 week absolutely no communication, a truce of fear so to speak, which ended rather badly some time in July 2007, with an email of her on me telling me (complaining) about me ignoring her calls., messages, SMSs, emals etc. And I gave in, by replying to her, in a very… a$$holeish manner (I admit) by telling her even that whatever happened between us, cost me so much money (and I included even a detailed account of the money I spent going back and forth to her city, gas money, cigarettes for the road, coffee and lunch money).
Even that, really low class reply of mine, was not taken into. My message did not go through, for one more time. And that was the “Playing idiot” tactic, which did not work either.
Some time later, due to an event on the forum that brought turmoil among the members and information she claimed she had, she initiated contact with me, dragging me into an endless chase of web ghosts and rumors, which kept on for about 2 months (August and September) until I finaly confonted her very strongly about the forum issue, catching her in lies and in reality, I had proof that she was the one behind the whole thing.
Possible reasons for her starting the whole thing? Knowing, because of my forum status (a super moderator) that I would attempt to get to the bottom of things and clear the matter on behalf of the members and in order to bring peace back to the forum, she did what she did just to get my attention. And it worked, for a while at least. Not only we did have a few chat sessions regarding the issue, but during those sessions she did not omit to mention what had happened between the two of us.
It all resulted in me getting physically ill again (very fast heart beat, increased blood pressure) and during the same period, Sandy got sick with a hormonal imbalance. I hid my condition from Sandy. I did not want her to know, afterall I had to be strong for her and take care of her.
My beloved Sandy, as I am going through your blog reading all that you have written, littersly opening up your soul for the world to read, i ask you to forgive me for all that I have done. ALL!
I still believe that we DO have a chance together.
We fought really hard to be here today, fought against all odds, against prejudices, situations….
What we have, cannot…. WILL NOT end this way.
We are special, we have always been special
Our love has always been different, deeper, essential, true, pure.
Please forgive me!
It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and
It’s gettin’ better baby
No one can better this
I’m still hold on and you’re still the one
The first time our eyes met it’s the same feelin’ I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on
So If you’re feelin’ lonely.. don’t
You’re the only one I’d ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than I should
Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can’t stop lovin’ you
Don’t deny me
This pain I’m going through
Please forgive me
If I need ya like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can’t stop loving you
Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch
We’re still gettin’ closer baby
Can’t get close enough I’m still holdin’ on
You’re still number one I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights ya know I still do
One thing I’m sure of
Is the way we make love
And the one thing I depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I’m prayin’
That’s why I’m sayin’…
Thanks for your comment and the link. Excellent article by the way! I too sent Joseph’s letter to my husband to read about twenty days after I found out about the affair he had. Once he read it, it helped him to understand the “missing pieces” and how important it was for me to put the puzzle together. He answered my list of questions I sent to him and after, we sat down to discuss his answers. Unfortunately, twenty days was too soon. Sure he answered all my questions, but the answers were unbelievable and I knew right then and there, that he was still not thinking clear enough to answer my questions honestly. It is amazing how the answers to these same questions have changed several times over the last six months. At least his head is clearing now. He is finally starting to see how his behavior, especially after the fact, has made things worse between us then the initial affair itself.
I completely understand “Time Will Tell”.
Putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Here is a great article from BAM (Beyond Affairs Network) and at the end is “Joseph’s Letter”.
I gave it to my husband 3 times and he still did not read it, yes he told me he did, but it never changed things between us.
I pray your husband – not only reads it, but gives you the kindness of truth you deserve, and agape love (Unconditional love)for both of you to move forward, heal, and have a new marriage even better than before.