Ultimatum

H came to me and told me he cannot go on this way. Not being able to talk on the phone with other women and not having his own life and freedom is something he just cannot do without. He then gave me two options regarding our situation:

I need to either wake up tomorrow morning and forget all about our last eight years together and never talk about it again at any time. Start over with each other as if we just met.

or

He will move out leaving me here alone to raise our daughter in this foreign country where I have no job, no friends or family for support.

I told him I cannot forget the last eight years of our lives together. No one can. Sooner or later one of us will bring something up from the past. Whether its about a place we went together or something major that happened in our lives like our wedding day, birth of our daughter, etc. We are humans and cannot just erase our memory like that. He then said he was able to do so and that I could as well.

I then asked him if he moved out to make his own life, did he expect me to just stay put and raise our daughter? He said yes. I then reminded him why I moved to this country in the first place, which was only for him and if he’s no longer in my life, then I have no reason to stay.

What is he thinking?? Is this part of still being confused?? A few days ago he came to me saying he was no longer confused and wanted his family. He said he knew how much he hurt me and said he was sorry. However, he has been changing his mind once every two days or so. I wish he would just make up his mind as to what he really wants and stick to it!

A while later, I decided to give him two options of my own:

He has to get with the program and cut off contact with other women, all of which belong to the same forum just like the “other woman” who is still a member there. Treat me like I mean something to him and not be cruel by putting me down all the time. Have remorse for what he has done and actually show it.

or

Divorce time. We then go our separate ways.

His response was that he just cannot handle not being able to talk to other women on the phone. However, there was no response as to why he continues treating me the way he does. He then said he would not give me a divorce.

I have no idea where this leaves us. All I know is that he does not realize what he has done to our marriage and is refusing to fix it. He wants me to forget about our past eight years together, now how does one do that?

Below is an email I wrote to H regarding the above:

I do not think you realize just how much you have hurt me. I don’t mean in the sense of the affair you had but the way you have been treating me before and after I found out. It is not what you say that triggers my emotions but rather the way you say them. You are very cold and without any kind of consideration for who I am as a person or as your wife. It is almost as though you are trying to hurt me more by making me feel like less of a person. If you go back over the last several weeks and remember the things you have told me, you will then realize how hurtful what you have said to me actually is. Just turn the tables and see how you would feel if the same things you have said to me, were said to you, by someone who says they love you. It would hurt you just as much even though you are a man. I could really hit you where it hurts but because I love you, I would never say such hurtful things to you.

The options you gave me today are far fetched and no human would actually be able to live by them and I believe you knew this before you even mentioned them. This is really “reaching”, a type of game that I will not play with you. We have been through so much mentally, that more mind games are no longer acceptable.

Our situation is very critical. We are not seeing each other’s points of view. After what I have been through with the way you have been treating me, the only solution I see is to go our separate ways. I cannot continue being treated unkindly by the man who says he loves me. You might be going through anger yourself for fucking up so badly and then you turn things around on me. If so, then you have never mentioned this, nor have you made it right.

Yes, you are the one who must gain the trust back and work harder to make the wrong right. However, if you do not have it in you and cannot work on this marriage, then it is only fair to tell me so.

Sure we had marital issues prior to, but this was no excuse for what you had done. You will have to accept this fact as this was not about me since I was not present with you when it happened. This was all about you and it still is. Our martial issues have been put aside since I found out because we cannot deal with those issues until this one is faced and accepted. Until that time, it is impossible to move forward and I believe you already know that.

I have copied something for you to read down below. Please read it. It may give you a clearer picture on my state of mind and maybe even yours for that matter.

Read this: http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

PS. I still love you and always will no matter which way you decide to go. Remember that. There is only so much I can do as I was not the one who turned our world up side down. The only one who can make it right is you, so our future is basically in your hands.