I spent about an hour crying as though I were mourning for someone I had lost. The pain was different this time. I felt it in the pit of my stomach, way deep inside. I hid myself away in another room so my daughter wouldn’t see me so upset. Its hard to hear a little voice ask “Mommy, why are you crying?”. I have run out of answers for her and I know she is beginning to realize that something is terribly wrong with mommy.
While crying alone in my pain, the phone rang. I answered only to hear a woman ask for my husband by first name. I told her he was not home and then she hung up. At that point, my mind started racing.
Over the last eight years that we’ve been together, there has never been a personal phone call for him from a woman. After all, he does have his cell phone where all his personal calls are received. Those who know him, know he works during the day so why call him at home? Was this just a coincidence that a phone call comes through from a woman the day after I found out about the affair? Could it possibly have been her? I continued thinking and decided I would tell him about the woman who called just to see what his reaction would be.
When I confronted him to tell him about the call, he said “we can just add this on to the mis-fortunate events that have been happening lately”, claiming he didn’t know who it was. He wasn’t surprised nor worried about the call at all which lead me to believe that perhaps he had told her that I had found out and that it was indeed her.
At that point, I grew very upset….“Are phone calls going to be coming through every day that will lead me to believe that you are still in contact with her? If that’s how its going to be, then I can’t take it! Its hard enough trying to get over this! You’re not helping and on top of that, now you’re receiving calls at home! “
With a blank look on his face, he said, “I really messed up, didn’t I?”
And I replied, “Yes, you fucked up! There’s no other way to say it!”
After a few minutes and what seemed like an eternity of us just standing there with nothing more to say, he started in with such a cold voice…“You have to help yourself get over this” he acted as though I was sick with a cold and needed to help myself get well. How can he just act as though this were a simple virus? He is the one who stepped outside our marriage to be with someone else. He cut open my chest, ripped out my heart and shot it after it was already dying.
I replied telling him “no, you have to prove to me that it was nothing and that you love me. You have to show me understanding and help me get through this difficult time. If you can’t do that, then its over because I cannot go on like this! I cannot carry this load of shit now and try to make this marriage work! I won’t be able to get near you…I won’t be able to bed down with you…I’ll be thinking about her, what you did to her and how you shared your body with someone else. It’s not something that I can get over just like that. It’s going to take time.”
He then said with no expression on his face or feeling in his voice…“I love you, its just difficult for me to show you. I cannot help you get over this because you must do it yourself. You continually bringing up what I have done is too much for me.” Then he went on to explain.. “If the tables were turned, and it was you who had done this to me, I would hate you and never forgive you. I would divorce you and fight for custody of our daughter.”
I was completely floored and couldn’t hold back…“So I am the better person here because I can actually forgive and try to make this relationship work? You would hate me and I’m not suppose to hate you? I’m trying to keep our family together even though you would never do the same if you were in my position?”
He was speechless. Having nothing more to say, not even a comment, he turned and walked away heading back to work. He left me standing there as if I had said nothing at all.
Now that I know what he would do in this similar type of situation, do I stay and try to make this work even though he is not doing much on his part, or do I save myself by leaving this all behind me and moving on?
We all know that situations arise during the most difficult times in our lives and its during those times when we feel we cannot take on any more. Then along comes something that just adds to the load we are already carrying and its at that time, when the weight is just too difficult to bare. Our steps become slower and weaker until we finally collapse. I am not quite there yet but the weight is getting much heavier with every passing day.
Status note: He is still leaving the departure date up to me.