The day my heart died

It started as just an ordinary day. A day of going through all the things I accumulated over the last several years of my life here in this country. My husband and I had been in continuous conversations about our marriage and financial status over the last four weeks. At least we finally accomplished something together, a mutual agreement even though it may not have been sincere on his part and it may not have been truthful. At least its something to let us go our separate ways and say a nice goodbye to each other. There was definitely something wrong with this picture but like my husband said, it is the best option for us right now.

Before I started sorting through my things, I decided to sit down and take a break. My mind began to wonder thinking about my time here and leaving this place I had called home for eight long years. When I looked up, I saw the email program on the computer still open from last night. I was drawn to it as if it were calling to me so I decided to look through the emails. I knew that my husband had cleaned out his emails from all our computers due to the fact that I had been playing P.I. trailing him in order to find proof of what I had believed for so long. There was quite a few junk emails but one email stood out like a sore thumb. It was a personal email to him from a woman. This did not surprise me as he has received many emails from women in the past. I decided to give it a read just for the hell of it.

Now being that we live in a non-English speaking country, I had to get an on-line translator to interpret the email. I began reading the email and even though it doesn’t translate every word, you can pretty much make out what it says. The woman basically was saying he hadn’t been in contact with her for about 20 days and it was really bothering her because she felt that they had spent a wonderful time together. Right when I got to that part, I started thinking to myself “be careful what you wish for”. As I continued reading, I came to the part where she mentions they made love and it was at that point that my heart skipped a beat and continued doing so. It felt as though I was shot and the piercing pain penetrated my chest which prevented me from breathing. By reflex, my hand went over my chest and I forced a couple of deep breaths. The pain was so deep that it hurt just to breath. As I was forcing my breathing, a flash of our lives together ran though my mind as if I were watching a movie on a big screen in fast forward.

It took me a few minutes to calm down during which time I was thinking about what I should do. Should I approach him now or wait until after he got home from work? Should I let it go for a while until more evidence is obtained or is this enough to get him to admit what he had done?

What rang through my head over and over again were the words he kept telling me…..

Have you went out of me? I would ask

No, I haven’t, he would say. I have nothing to hide. Do you have any proof?

Just hearing these words echoing in my head convinced me even more so to approach him now.

I called him home from work giving him one last chance to tell me the truth. He continued denying it even after the proof was presented to him. What seemed like a lifetime later, he finally admitted to it. At that point, my world came crashing down just by hearing the words “yes I did” come out of his mouth.

Everything I cherished about our lives together had totally been ripped away from me. I don’t even recognize the man who now stood in front of me not knowing what to say or do. He just stood there and looked at me as I cried a river of tears, so hard in fact, that I had no idea I had it in me.

The pain continued way deep inside – a place that I had never felt such pain before and it was as though part of myself were dying.