The urge to run again

Five years ago, I was living off Easter candy, beer and cigarettes. It started the morning I received a call from my brother. On the other end of the phone he was crying and told me to come quickly.  At that moment I knew she probably had passed and I prepared myself for what I would find when I arrived.

It was a cold sunny morning and even though I was not dressed properly, I ran down the street to her apartment as fast as I could. I remember the cold wind on my face like it were yesterday. When I arrived, she was already gone and even though her body was still warm,  I could see the peaceful look on her face and knew she had already gone to a place she was in a hurry to get to.

As I sat there with her, there was no sense of loss as I had lost her years before. That mourning period had already passed and the woman that now lay before me was someone I once knew.  I recalled all the sacrifices I made over the last few years for her and the chains that tied me to her were now broken. The satisfaction of  being the daughter I was supposed to be for my mother had run full circle and it was now complete.

I felt a heavy weight lift off my shoulders and for the first time since I was in my early 20’s, I felt like I could go anywhere I wanted. It was a sense of freedom. Freedom like a young adult going out into the world for the very first time and the excitement of it all. I had come a cross roads in my life once again. I had no idea where I would go. All I knew is that I wanted to get as far away from there as I could.

Just recently, that urge to run again has come flooding back to me. I woke up the other day telling myself, its time to go.  The feeling came over me like my house was on fire and we had leave quickly. My thoughts were then paused by the promise I made myself regarding my daughter. I had promised that where ever we were living prior to her entering high school, I would planet roots and stay until her education was complete. I have been running with her for a while now and it is only fair to her that I stay put and finally plant those roots.